404: Intelligence Not Displayed
Aurora, CO [NotS]

The first time I saw a billboard advertising DirecTV, I wondered how you were supposed to pronounce the name. I assumed it was one of those cases where the corporation's name was designed to fit a website URL which no one else had wanted.
That aside, I wasn't sure what these people were up to. Best I could figure, they were trying to compete against both TCI and USWorst at the same time. Fine by me: TCI and USWorst annoyed the hell out of me.
Now that TCI have been absorbed by AT&T, and USWorst have evolved--if not ameliorated--into Qwest, it seems that DirecTV's means of competing involve sucking as severely as everyone else.
Here's what suggests that:
 
Date: Fri, 29 Mar 2002 19:57:58 -0800 (PST)
From: Doria Stockholm <doriastockholm@cs.com>
Subject: direct tv bait and switch
To: gremlin@gremlin.net
 
I am sending you a letter and documentation as an attachment.
 
Any help would be appreciated. You have my permission to post the letter and documentation, with my name, credit card, and address deleted (of course).
 
Here's what I've been able to ascertain so far. Some idiot telemarketer at DirecTV PhoneSpammed Stockholm with an offer she couldn't refuse: DSL service at 512k for fifty bucks a month, the first two months free, and the ability to connect up to five computers simultaneously at no additional cost; moreover, she could cancel at any time if not delighted. Standards telemarketing buzzword bullshit.
Stockholm told the telemarketer that, if the offer were written up and faxed to her to look over in its entirety, she'd run with it. DirecTV faxed the offer:

Click on the fax to open a more legible copy

 
Again: the first two months are free; the cost is $49.99 per month thereafter. The Standard Value Package reportedly has NO ANNUAL CONTRACT!!! [although it has got a bombastic trinary bank of exclamation marks]. Both offers include the same EXCITING LIST OF BUZZWORDS:
 
*dialup DSL is a nonsequitur
And, of course, You can surf the Internet and be on the phone at the same time! No second phone line needed.
 
That last line gets me. I personally don't trust the average mental user to have the mental wherewithal necessary to concurrently laugh and type out 'LOL' at me, let alone use a phone and a computer on the same day. But that's me.
Anyway, as our more erudite readers may have guessed by now, Stockholm, having concluded that she was really looking at an offer for two months and one activation for free, fifty bucks a month thereafter, and the ability to connect five systems at once, went ahead and signed on for this thing. There was no real hurry to sign on, since the Standard Value Package wasn't a Limited Time Offer, but she still arranged everything within a week, as confirmed by this EMail:
 
Subj: Your DIRECTV DSL Order Confirmation
Date: 3/5/02 8:41:39 PM Mountain Standard Time
From: orders@directvdsl.com
To: doriastockholm@cs.com
 
Dear DIRECTV Broadband Customer:
 
Thank you for choosing DIRECTV DSL™! We have recieved your order and look forward to delivering your high-speed Internet service. To keep your order flowing smoothly, please take a moment to review your account information below to ensure its accuracy. If the information below is incorrect, please call our Help Center immediately at 1-888-773-3349 (Select option 2), as incorrect details will delay the delivery of your service.
 
Name: Doria Stockholm
DSL Phone #: --------
Service Address: ---------------
City: Aurora
State: CO
Zip Code: 80013
Username: doriastockholm
Credit card: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Expiration date: XX/XXXX
Contact phone: (XXX)XXX-XXXX
DIRECTV Broadband may need to contact you at some point during your order cycle. Current contact information will greatly assist in the timely resolution of issues that could cause delays.
 
Please keep your Username and Password handy, as you will need it to track the status of your order online. As soon as your credit check is complete, we will update you again. This should occur during the next 24-48 hours.
 
Thanks again for signing-up for DIRECTV DSL™.
 
Sincerely,
 
DIRECTV Broadband, Inc.
 
So that's that. No more worries. Good times.
Although....
 
The DSL gear took a couple of weeks to arrive, finally showing up on 27th March. The UPS guy left it sitting on the front porch and split; here was apparently no need to sign for anything. By chance, Stockholm got to it before any given band of roving DSL thieves encountered it.
She started connecting everything, following the enclosed instructions. It turned out that a network hub was actually necessary to connect five different computers, but, fortunately, she'd already dropped the FIRST ADDITIONAL COST into a hub sometime ago.
The hub is connected to t DSL gear; nothing works.
Fortunately, there's the EXCITING LIST ITEM OF 24 x 7 technical support [1-888-773-3349]. She called them.
There are two sorts of tech support: those who know what they're talking about, and those who work for DirecTV; she got the latter on the phone.
The issue, it turned out after a monumental amount of DoWhuts and SayAgains, was not of a technical nature: the problem was that, according to her account, she wasn't set up for additional systems, as evidenced in yet another EMail:
 
Subj: Welcome New Customer! - Important Account Information Enclosed
Date: 3/25/02 11:57:36 AM Mountain Standard Time
From: orders@DIRECTVDSL.com
To: doriastockholm@cs.com
 
IMPORTANT!
PLEASE PRINT AND SAVE THIS E-MAIL FOR FUTURE REFERENCE, AS IT CONTAINS YOUR UNIQUE ACCOUNT INFORATION
 
Dear DIRECTV Broadband customer:
 
Great news! Your DIRECTV DSL™ High-Speed Internet Service is on its way. Your circuit provider, Qwestest, has completed the preparation of your phone line and we are committed to establishing your service as soon as possible. Your DIRECTV DSL™ gateway will be shipped in a few days*, and you'll be ready for action.
 
*If you have a home security system and you told us about this when you signed up for DIRECTV DSL™ service, we'll be contacting you shortly to arrange for a home wiring appointment. Additional wiring fees may be applicable.
 
Below are your unique email and Web hosting account settings:
 
User ID: doriastockholm
Host IP Address: 65.186.201.52
Email Alias: doriastockholm@cs.com
SMTP server: mail.drectvinternet.com
POP server: mail.directvinternet.com
FTP server: ftp://ftp.directvinternet.com
News server news.directvinternet.com
Your personal home page URL: http://members.directvinternet.com/doriastockholm
Webmail URL: http://webmail.directvinternet.com
Membership Site URL: http://www.directvinternet.com
 
Setup help is available on our Membership Site at http://www.DIRECTVinternet.com in the Help Center, and also when you get your DIRECTV DSL™ gateway. If you have ordered Connect & Protect™ and are planning to connect your service to more than three computeres, then you may want to purchase an ethernet hub from your local retailer now. Additional information about Connect & Protect™ is also available on our Membership Site.
 
You may check the status of your order online anytime by clicking here:http://www.DIRECTVDSL.com/orderstatus/sheckorderstatus.asp.
You'll need the Username and Password you supplied during signup to log in.
 
Thanks for choosing DIRECTV DSL™. We look forward to providing you with the ultimate Internet experience!
 
Sincerely,
 
DIRECTV Broadband, Inc.
 
 Now: this brings up a couple of concerns right away, not the least of which is this bit suggestion that 'you'll be ready for action'. You usually only see that tagline in PornSpam.
Next we have the introduction of another NO ADDITIONAL COST when, if you want to connect more than three computers, we're ehading to our local retailer to buy a hub; again, that issue was coincidentally resolved beforehand...in this case.
However: we're also introduced to Connect & Protect™, which, again, sounds like something from a PornSpam. I getthe impression that DirecTV's marketing staff don't get out much.
What Connect & Protect turns out to be is the ability to connect more than one computer--since we have only one IP Address to play with otherwise--at the low, low NO ADDITIONAL COST of ten bucks per month. We're up to sixty bucks a month, not including the price of the hub we already have.
So, the problem isn't a technical issue: it's a billing issue. Because somebody somewhere fucked up.
Stockholm's first throught was to track down Roy Dana--allegedly the guy who faxed her the original offer. That didn't work: Roy Dana is one of DirecTV's codewords which are applied to various spammed offers. Surprise.
Also, Billing isn't 24 x 7, so the TechDroid promised to have someone from Billing call the next morning at eight.

28th March 2002

Eight came and went; no one called.
Stockholm called back and got hold of a dweeb in Billing. Curtis L.
Asked what Curtis L's actual surname was, he refused to give that out, since he was the only Curtis L. employed by DirecTV. How he'd know that is a bit of a mystery--unless he's right and he's also the VP of Personnel, maybe. It could be a really small company. They haven't even got a guy named Roy Dana, after all.
Curtis L. explained to Stockholm that A) she'd missed the point of the original offer, B) he had no idea what the original offer was about, C) that she clearly wasn't able to understand the offer in general, and D) he wouldn't be able to do a thing until he saw evidence of this phantasmagoric 'offer' of hers.
Confirming that Curtis L. displayed the more common qualities of a complete idiot, Stockholm asked to speak to his supervisor. Curtis L. assured her that, while a supervisor existed, it was too busy to talk to her just then.
So she faxed Curtis L. a copy of the fax she'd recieved from whomever was pretending to be Roy Dana on 25th February. She also faxed this:
 
DirecTV Broadband
Attention: Billing, Curtis L.
fax number; 503-906-1040
 
I have enclosed a copy of the faxed offer that your sales representative sent to me on February 25, 2002. As you can see, there were three offers, all of which included being able to hook up 5 computers at no additional cost.
 
The offer that I accepted is $49.99 per month with no equipment fee and no activation fee, the first 2 month free, and the five computer hook up capability at no additional cost.
 
You did not provide this. You sent a DSL Gateway that is not capable of hooking up 5 computers without a package being activated at an additional $10.00 a month called Connect and Protect. This is blatantly not "at no additional cost".
 
PLease conform to the terms of the written offer that you faxed to me and I accepted. I expect confirmation thatthis problem has been satisfactorily resolved by 11:00 a.m. Mountain Time, March 28, 2002, as I have already lost a day on the internet due to this mix-up.
 
If you are not able to comply with this request, please cancel this account and refund any charges place on my credit card and arrange to pick up your equipment.
 
Sincerely,
 
[signature]
 
She faxed it at 9.19 AM on the twenty-eighth.
Curtis L. Billing recieved the fax, looked at the original offer, and called her back to admit that, yes, the offer appeared to be valid and that the mistake was on teir end; it would be fixed posthaste.
11AM came and went. So did midnight.

29th March 2002

Curtis L. Billing called back. Everything was all set up, and DirecTV, being at fault, were just going to consider the accountto have the Connect&Protect thing attached to it; now Stockholm had only to wait for Curtis L. Billings' supervisor to approve the credit, since he didn't have the authority to approve a credit of a hundred bucks.
In case anyone's lost on the math here: the offer allows Stockholm to have DSL for two months for free, and ten months thereafter for fifty bucks per month; Connect&Protect is ten bucks a month, multiplied by the ten months of billed service, is a hundred bcks...which is apparently too large a figure for Curtis L. Billing, of Billing, and possibly in charge of Personnel, to authorise. That responsibility falls on his supervisor--the one who was too busy to talk to Stockholm in the first place.
In other words: more downtime.
Eventually, Stockholm got hold of Curtis L. Billing one more time. She called to confirm that everything was finally the hell worked out and that she'd have the LAN online sometime before the Aztec out-of-memory error occurred in 2012.
Instead, Curtis L. Billing informed her that they'd all looked over the original offer again, and that they'd concluded that it didn't actually offer two months free, a lack of activation and equipment fees, and a lack of additional costs of any kind. What it offered instead wasn't actually divulged.
What DirecTV's counteroffer entailed was a two month free, a third month at fifty bucks, and the remaining nine months at sixty; also, Stockholm would be locked into an annual contract to ensure that she didn't give up and run over to Qwest in the unlikely event that DirecTV ever happened to start sucking.
Stockholm reminded Curtis L. Billing that the offer was pretty well written in plain English, and that there was really no way to misunderstand it.
Curtis L. Billing explained that it only looked that way, to her, because she was too dumb to fully comprehend basic English.
 
That got my interest, personally. Since I majored in English in college, and tested off the scale on the Wechsler Test. And yet, to me, damned if the offer doesn't appear to explicitly offer the first two months, activation, all the gear, and the tech support for free, and a flat rate of fifty bucks per month after that, without an annual contract, in which five computers will be magically connected without additional equipment--like a hub--on one static IP and four dynamics...not that dynamic IPs are known to work very well in LANs, of course.
However, granting that we're worried about an inability to speak English, we'll go over a few things real quick.... And so on; feel free to peruse over the EMails and fax from DirecTV and count the misuse of English; maybe we'll turn it into a contest, or something. Although I doubt, at this point, we'd supply anything from DirecTV as a prize.
So: here we are. DirecTV would appear to be very much guilty of an interstate bait-and-switch scam--known more generally as Fraud; their primary defence is that their customers aren't smart enough to read plain English, and, by extension, my 200 IQ is inadequate to decypher their disturbingly vernacular terminology.
Of course, that's just my opinion; maybe I'm just too dumb to understand....

--Gremlin


UPDATE: 30th March 2002

We found this at http://directvdsl.com/why/compare.asp, which includes a number of the free inclusions seen in the fax; it's also in .pdf format at http://NewsoftheStoopid.com/compare.pdf in case DirecTV change their offer in the near future.

UPDATE: 1st April 2002

It never ends; the following is the transcript of my chat session with 'david l' of DirecTV:
 
This is an automated email sent from the DirecTV DSL Chat Server. The following information is a log of your session. Please save the log for. .your records.
 
History of Session Number: 14830
 
[4/1/02 9:17:52 PM] Customer Joined Session: Gremlin
[4/1/02 9:18:03 PM] Customer Sent Message: Is there anything resembling a chat module where I can talk to someone online in realtime to get. .this worked out?
[4/1/02 9:18:29 PM] Customer Sent Message: Hi. I'm trying to connect additional systems on this account.
[4/1/02 9:18:49 PM] Agent Sent Message: Hello, this is the Order Status Department. My name is Dave.
[4/1/02 9:19:29 PM] Agent Sent Message: May I have your DSL phone #?
[4/1/02 9:19:38 PM] Customer Sent Message: XXX-XXX-XXXX
[4/1/02 9:21:07 PM] Customer Sent Message: Hello?
[4/1/02 9:21:10 PM] Agent Sent Message: Tech Support does not have chat capability. Their phone number is: (888)773-3349 option 3.
[4/1/02 9:21:52 PM] Customer Sent Message: I already tried that. I talked to a plebeian with a language disorder for half an hour. I need. .someone with an IQ above room temperature.
[4/1/02 9:23:02 PM] Agent Sent Message: You will need to call Tech Support.
[4/1/02 9:23:27 PM] Customer Sent Message: So tech support are incapable of using a chat module?
[4/1/02 9:25:08 PM] Agent Sent Message: The Order Status Department is the only department with chat capability at this time. We tell people. .the status of the order that they have placed with us. We do not do Tech Support.
[4/1/02 9:26:51 PM] Customer Sent Message: So DirecTV tech support aren't actually able to work out a chat module. And we know from. .experience that speaking out loud isn't among their attributes either. Is there a special number I can call to talk to someone of any. .particular intelligence?
[4/1/02 9:27:54 PM] Agent Sent Message: The Tech Support phone number is: (888)773-3349 option 3.
[4/1/02 9:28:16 PM] Customer Sent Message: Right. I'll make a note of that at http://NewsoftheStoopid.com
 
If you have any questions, please email customerservice@bb.directv.com
 
I've come to the irrevocable conclusion that DirecTV suck as a whole....

--Gremlin


29th March 2002