As a rule, I don't do requests. Okay: sometimes I do; but only if I was gonna do it anyway. Not really the point.

The actual point is that Hunter went off on a whimper that I used to be different. In the sense that I used to do more stuff, more often, than I do today. Who knows where she gets this shit. Also, I used to be meaner than I've become. Which might in fact be a valid whimper.

By coincidence, I happened across something I threw together in 2001...seven years ago now. I can't really tell if it was meaner, or funnier, or either to any degree. I kinda remember now writing it all out and then deciding that, NotS being kinda multinational, it was a little silly to throw something online which only those in Denver would stand a chance of relating to. Now that the following is so outdated that no one can relate...I guess everyone's equally fucked. So. Here's this thing I wrote seven years ago, when there were still twintowers in New York, and never released to the public.

Maybe Hunter'll shut up for a couple minutes while she's reading it....

<TELEVISION>

Have I mentioned recently that I have no time at all for television?
Okay: that’s not entirely true. I probably have time for television; all I lack now is tolerance.
It’s all the same. And none of it is of any interest to me. Or, really, to anyone qualified to read this whole article. So, for those whom are qualified to read this whole thing, lemee show you the sort of thing you’re missing on television at the moment....

2 KWGN: Buffy the Vampire Slayer [R]
Buffy is killed by something other than a vampire, is resurrected, and complains about homework for a while.
3 KTVD: Saved by the Bell [R]
Screech denies rumours that he once worked with Fred, Daphne, Velma, and Scoobs.
4 ABC: ABC News Tonight
Exciting exposé on how much ABC suck now that Disney have bought them.
5 SHO: Movie — Where the Tits Are ’86
Two losers waste their lives on a beach, trying to get supermodels to look at them. Rated R.
6 PBS: Pledge Drive
We suck with money; please help us bring you even more Red Dwarf episodes.
7 CBS: 60 Minutes
Exciting exposé on how much CBS suck now that AOL have bought them.
8 GOV: Community Affairs
Less interesting than CSpan, and paid for by taxes.
9 NBC: Nightline
Exciting exposé on how much NBC suck now that Microsoft have bought them.
10 KTVJ: Cooking for Dumbasses
Learn to boil water the safe and easy way
11 DSC: Dinosaurs
We have no idea what we’re talking about; watch us anyway.
12 PBS2: Another Pledge Drive
Thinking about it, we might not have to beg for money if we didn’t have two different fucking channels....
13 KDVR: Carmen Sandiego
We lost the bitch again.
14 HBO: Boxing
Two idiots you’ve never heard of sweat on each other for a while.
15 STARZ: Movie — Where the Tits Are Part Two
Two new losers waste their lives on a beach, trying to get supermodels to look at them. Rated R.
16 MAX: Movie — Fuck the Plot: Just Watch the Tits
A million supermodels waste their lives on a beach. Rated R.
17 PXC: Paid Programming
Save time and money making salads with minimal intelligence.
18 ENC: Movie — The Titless
Two losers waste their lives on a beach, never once mentioning tits. Rated PG.
19 KRMT: Marilyn Hickey
Denver’s ugliest ditz blathers on about how happy she is with Jesus Christ inside her today.
20 UPN: Star Trek
Star Trek, Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, Enterprise; whatever. If the phrase ‘set phasers for stun’ is in it, you’ll watch it, won’t you....
21 LEASED: Paid Programming
We know you have five hundred chamois; but wait’ll you see this....
22 PUB: Public Access
Out-of-focus bullshit from people who aren’t as entertaining as they think they are.
23 MTV: Real World
The gang sit about, complaining that no one shows videos anymore.
24 USA: Movie — Where the Tits Are ’86 [Edited for Television]
Two losers waste their lives on a beach, trying to get unseen supermodels to look at them. Rated R.
25 AMC: Star Wars IV: A New Hope
Does it really take thirty years to tell a fucking story?
26 FSN: Sports in Denver
What other cities? Broncos, Avalanche, Rockies; we’ve got ’em all.
27 FX: Son of the Beach
ManCow guest stars, and beats the living shit out of Howard Stern.
28 NICK: Saturday Night
The late Chris Farley falls on the late Phil Hartman, as scripted by the late Lorne Michaels. Okay: Lorne Michaels is still alive; we’re just not sure why.
29 DIS: The Disney Report
Why ABC stinks now that Disney have bought them.
30 APL: Crocodile Hunter
Steve realises that the only way out of his contract is to be eaten by something.
31 TOON: Freakazoid
We know you’ve seen this episode; but, really: what else is on?
32 TLC: A Baby Story
Who cares....
33 FOXFAM: Roswell Conspiracies
Were aliens responsible for the JFK assassination?
34 ESPN: PreGame Annoyances
John Elway pimps his car dealerships.
35 CNBC: SquawkBox
Yup: SwawkBox.
36 HIS: All about Hitler
Christianity’s patron theocrat.
37 HN: Headline News
We thought you needed one more place to find out what you had no control over today.
38 CNN: News
HN? Get real: we’re CNN; we win.
39 HGTV: Quilts N Shit
Make your dismal little house look like a dismal little mansion.
40 TNT: ER
What the fuck was Clooney thinking when he signed on for Batman & Robin?
41 A&E: Biography
More Shit about Hitler.
42 FNC: Fox News Live
Top story this hour: Fox might suck less if they concentrated on only one channel....
43 LIFE: Men Suck
Men suck a lot; but we’re not dykes [hosted by Oprah Winfrey]
44 CMT: Toh Hoh Hyuck
The show even Roy Clark turned down.
46 ESPN2: The John Elway Hour
Please buy a fucking car. Please?
47 FOOD: Cooking Live Primetime with Sara Moulton
Fuck it: Subway’s still open.
48 SCI: Dark Shadows
We know you hate this show; we also know you’ll sit through it so you won’t missing the opening of Quantum Leap.
49 TBS: Little House on the Prairie
Ted Turner guest stars as the only guy Bill Gates is afraid of.
50 KCEC: ¡Despierta América!
Gringos suck, verdad?
51 TVGC: Carlton Sheets
Special Guest: Fran Tarkington
52 QVC: Quilts, Quilts, and More Quilts
The meaning of life involves quilts, you know....
53 KWHD: Benny Hinn
Bullshit about deities from a guy with a bad accent.
54 EDU: Educational Access
What’s this button do?
55 PUB: Public Access
Yeah: what’s that button do?
56 GOV: Government Access
Ever wondered why we have a deficit?
57 PUB: Public Access
My GoBot Collection
58 PUB: Public Access
Why My Mom Sucks
59 PUB: Public Access
My Mom Threw away My GoBots on Me.
60 KMAS: Noticiero Telemundo
¡Hablas Español o Muertas!
61 BRAVO: Off Air
62 ODSY: World of Faith and Values
Believe in bullshit and be happy and broke.
63 CSPAN2: Why CSPAN Alone Wasn’t Enough
Stocks you can’t afford, and shit.
64 iN1: To Be Announced
66 VH1: Behind the Music
Guys you thought were dead complain about the lack of available videos.
67 TCM: Roughly Sucking [NR]
Who cares....
68 E!: Celebrity Homes
See where you could live if you turned off the fucking television and did something.
69 BET: Crackers and Shit; Know What I’m Sayin, Beeyatch?!?
Ten million years of white oppression.
70 OXY: More Shit Men Do to Fuck with Us
Hosted by Candice Bergen.
71 COURT: Trial Coverage
Whatever’s on, it’s worse than Judge Fucking Judy.
72 COMEDY: The Daily Show
The CoHosts wonder why Jon Stewart isn’t at his desk.
73 OLN: Bicycling
Shit you could be doing if you weren’t watching television.
74 TRAVEL: Travellers [TV-G]
Get off your ass and do something!
75 MSNBC: MSNBC Live
This just in: no one needs this much fucking news.
76 MPLEX: Candleshoe [G]
You are getting very sleepy....
77 GALA: En Casa de Lucy
For Mexicans who can’t be bothered to learn English before trading their lives for television.
78 TVLAND: Dick That Dyke
Just shoot me.
95 CSPAN: Washington Journal Marathon
...through the End of Time
96 WGN: Wayans, or Some Shit
A dozen Wayans lament the loss of Jim Carrey.
99 TD: GoofTroop
Evidence against the existence of deities.
120 NOGG: Sesame Too
Oh the pain....
121 D-KIDS: Timmy and Lassie
Not now, Girl; I’m watching this shit.
123 GTV: Montery Cookin’ with John Pisto
We’ll git t’ waterboilin’ later on a spell....
125 NWI: News from the Fucking Moon
The Lunar Report
128 BTV: Money Wise
Here’s a hint: don’t invest in BTV
135 MTV2: Videos
Nevermind: it’s just people in shiny clothes with speech impediments.
137 TRIO: TRIO Concerts
Shiny Dumbasses Live.
161 GAME: Press Your Duck
Rerun.
162 BBC: BBC World News
Blimey: the Yanks are watching? Cheers! Perhaps now we’ll get some bloody funding!
180 BRAVO: Paid Programming
You’ll get a new chamois about every other month.
182 OVATN: Dawn at Dusk
Why is this on?
183 STYLE: Millennium Fashion
Get off your ass, and you could wear this shit too.
201 D-HOME: Portrait
For a change....
215 GAS: Finders Keepers
Watchers weepers.
220 DHC: Healthy Shit
You broke your VCR, didn’t you....
222 HEALTH: Yoga Zone
Hamstrings, traction, and you.
230 TBN: Rod Parsley
Sermon: My Fifteen Minutes
231 INSP: John Hagee Today
And tomorrow. And until the lord recalls his ass.
240 INT’L: Martian Life
Rerun
271 D-CIV: Skip Tracers on Death Row
Read a fucking book....
272 D-SCIE: Science Daily
Pipebombs and your school....
273 NGC: National Geographic Today
We’re really, really sorry about that Archaeoraptor liaoningensis thing....
274 D-WING: Wings and Shit
If it’s an aeroplane, we’ll make you sick of it.
275 BIO: Biography Extra
Hitler’s last trip to the market.
276 HIS-I: Ancient Almanac
Can you believe there were once no televisions?
294 TECHTV: Screen Savers Live
No computer? Here: fall asleep to this....

Ugh. Channels 401 [FSWO] through 853 [PLBY] omitted due to apathy.
I’m trying to remember the last time I saw something on television which was actually worth watching. As in worth remembering to tune in instead of sleeping.
Jerry Springer is almost entertaining. Although I’ve analysed it, and worked out that watching one idiot trying to steal some worthless bitch from another idiot looks a lot like an anthropomorphic pennystock trade.
SciFi could be entertaining if they’d get rid of most of their shows. It’s sad when the best thing a channel offers is The Incredible Hulk, 1981.
And when, exactly, did The Nashville Network become The National Network? And is a Miami Vice Marathon really preferable to I Caught Me These Fish, with Jessup and Clem? Probably not.
And something else: why have we got eight hundred fifty-three fucking channels--don’t answer yet; that’s only the first half of the question--and yet only a couple hundred are even receiving a signal? Where are the other six hundred? Would anything of interest be showing on those if they were actually on the air?
Probably not.
As it is, you’re now capable of channelsurfing until you catch the same infomercial on three different channels, all running within five seconds of each other. Is that sad, or what....
Okay: this NotS is almost as entertaining as television now.
I’m shutting it the hell off....

</TELEVISION>

Thank hell for YouTube.com.

I guess.

Of course, that was just my opinion, seven years ago; I guess it still is.