Okay. Things are getting a bit out of hand. For example, if I’m not out saving handicapable puppies by supporting Hilarious Clinton, I’m reportedly some misogynistic bastard who—okay, that I’m a misogynistic bastard is its own thing; it has nothing much to do with chicks in the world. In my defence, I’m equally misandristical and generally misanthrophical; when science creates a third gender, I’ll be sure to hate that one too.

So, imagine my feigned surprise when, while I lurking at 4chan.org, the playful antics of slamming Every Subculture, Gender, Nationality, Politic, and Proclivity Known to Man were interrupted by a thread regarding the admin of feministing.com and a lighthearted suckfest video she’d uploaded to YouTube.com. Naturally, I went and had a look. Then I grabbed the video, pulled it into FlashCS3, and counterpointed a bit; the result is over here .

Back now? Fun, wannit. I’m not sure whether it’s actually simpler to explain this sort of thing after the fact, but it’s how I’m doing it this time. So, here we go....

To be really simple about this: I don’t care. At all. It’s just one more evidence that there’s nothing wrong with the world. Meaning that, since there’s nothing wrong with the world, and since homosapiens have evolved to complain about the world, this is the sort of meaningless thing people care and complain about. But not me. I barely care about genocide; I’m seriously apathetic about extremistic reactionists hunting for an acceptable integer for the percentage of chauvinistic crimes. It’s just not my problem at all.

However, being not Alan Alda, I’m curiously tempted to respond in that sarcastic, meaningless way I’ve got. That I don’t care doesn’t preclude me from laughing at you anyway; it just precludes me from feeling bad about it afterward. I also like giggling at people with Tourettes trying to explain muons. You probably had to be there to understand why that was funny.

Look. Were women for millennia treated as livestock, without rights, to the congenital shame of the average male? Sure. Was I part of that? No. Are you blaming me for it anyway? It’s looking that way. Yes, it’s absurd that modern politicians and theocratic morons are repressing dykes by trying to preserve the sanctity of kidnapping a chick from an enemy’s village in dowry and maintaining the guarantee that, ugly though she might be when the groom lifts the veil and gets his first look at her, she’ll at least have roughly the correct number of girlparts. Yes, it’s absurd that a female PhD might get a smaller salary than a male dropout [I don’t know for a fact that this (still) happens, but I’ll allow for it within this argument] due simply to her gender. Yes, it’s absurd that the conservative lunatic fringe thinks it has a chance of deciding when, where, and how a chick can hatch out her miserable larvae and Future Lunatic Fringe of America. I’ll concede all those points, which is handy since I was likely making them before this bloodyminded twat learned to make Barbie whip Ken in her Mattel^® Stockade.

I’m simply not a bigot. Which in its way means that I’m not a democrat: I don’t label people; I honestly don’t care what people are. It’s why I like the ’net: you all look the same, whether you’re black, white, male, female, tall, short, fat, thin...the only characteristics I see in people are matters of intelligence, though in cases I have to look pretty hard. And this is one of those cases. This broad is actually pulling that classic false dichotomy: I’m with the feminists, praying to holy hell that wimminz take over the planet, or I’m a drooling, plagiaristic, guffawing, homoerotic chauvinist; that I’m neither—that I possibly could be neither—doesn’t occur to this dame. Any more than it occurs to her perceived opposition that I could regard Americans as backwardthinking morons without grouping myself in with the terrorists. I’m a centrist. Meaning, in political terms, that I’m surrounded by idiots.

Do I slur people? Sure. Why not. It’s harmless. To me, anyway. Are you offended by ‘chick’ and ‘broad’ and ‘dame’? Problem’s on your end; I’m good with it. I’m good also with ‘guy’, ‘dude’ [as heard in the video, from Princess Pejorative], ‘mook’, and any other slur used by those who aren’t terribly smart to denigrate the male members of the species. I don’t use these terms to hurt people; I use them because, to sane people, they’re harmless—and because, when there are half a million words in the language, it gets painfully boring to use the same two nouns all the time. Call me evolved.

Why, really, is there even a sexual revolution in the first place? And, didn’t it already end? And who won, anyway? Let’s be real: if I said ‘I don’t hate women; a lot of my friends are women’, could that really be anything but an obvious joke? I could be missing something, but I’d think that the ultimate misogynist would necessarily be a poofter. How can you denigrate and ignore women more profoundly than to be flaming gay? And yeah: in fact, a lot of my friends are poofters; I know that, because they call themselves poofters. And fags. And some words I’m not certain I can spell. The sorts of friends I have make me look politically correct.

I’m not even sure I can properly be called a misogynist. I’d like to be; but I don’t know of a superior gender. I see people, on that level, as equal. Guys might be better at lifting shit; chicks, hands down, are better at talking them into it. We all win. Except apparently for this broad, who’s still mad that, for all the stuff Barbie comes with, there’s no Mattel^® Whitehouse available for US$299.99.

Am I okay with a female president? Sure. There again: Maggie Thatcher ran England [and pretty well] for years; I have no problem with that. I have no problem, incidentally, with a black president. I have problems with the female and black candidates running at the moment; but, get Condi Rice into the race, and I’ll kill two proclivities with one stone. Condi’s a minx I could vote for.

What: I’m evil; this isn’t news.

But here’s the real question. Am I okay with giving chicks the oppressive half of the stick for a few millennia? No. You want equality: you get equality. I give it to you personally, every day. Join the army, pay for dinner, hold the door; do it all; if I wanted kids, I’d be fine with sitting home raising them while you were off leading the teamsters and bringing home the bacon—I’d even fry it up in a pan for you; all that sounds fair. Also, if I wanted kids, and we got all divorced, I’d get them for half the time, and you’d pay me alimony since you were making the money while I was raising them, and so on. By definition, equality is necessarily across the board. Still like this deal?

Also, about kids, I’m not going to tell you whether you can or can’t or must or mustn’t abort a foetus. I’m going to tell you that, if I don’t want kids, you can have the thing anyway; I’ll put it up for adoption, giving you the right of first refusal; if you still want the kid, take it and go: don’t bill me later. That said: if I want a kid and you don’t? I’ll find a different source. I wouldn’t expect you to manufacture the little runt against your will any more than I’d, oh...want WalMart to carry things they’d rather not carry. Toldya I wasn’t a democrat.

Tell ya what. Since we’re on the ’net—since I don’t in fact leap onto YouTube.com to show everyone what I look like [I’m more than a little concerned that you care what I look like, you bigot]—let’s enact a policy founded by your side of the political quagmire: don’t ask; don’t tell. Male? Female? Tall? Short? Keep it to yourself; I don’t wanna know. And then, when you discover that I don’t particularly like you and your simplistic, false dichotomies? You can rest assured that I’m not scoffing at the femininity of your bullshit, but at its screaming stupidity.

Of course, that’s just my opinion; now go knit me a pie.