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DENVER, COLORADO [NotS] Don't say I didn't warn you.... | | While we're keeping perspectives, let's look at a few other dangerous things.
 Cigarettes kill nearly half a million people per year in Duhmerica. Sound about right? Sound like a big number? Great.
Three times as many people die by inhaling dust. That is to say that ninety percent of dust is actually epidermal residue, which contains dermatophagnides--dustmites--spiders measuring about five hundred nanometres in width. Half a millionth of a metre. You inhale dust, along with dustmites, and the dustmites freak out--having left the dry, sunny, coolish environment outside and finding themselves in a dark, humid, hot jungle inside your lungs. They want out. Best case scenario: you sneeze, and they escape--to be inhaled again. Worst case scenario: they can't get out the way they came in, and try to dig through the lungwall, getting trapped, dying, festering, and leading to nearly seventy-five percent of lung cancer cases in America.
Next time you hit a restaurant and they ask if you want smoking or non, tell them you want to sit in the dustfree section.
And don't tell me that you don't really mind smoke, but don't like the smell of it, okay? I don't really like the smell of Polo cologne, or the sight of fat people wearing greenish Hawaiian shirts with orange Bermuda shorts and Birkenstocks and octagonal-framed spectacles and that Little Oafish Annie hairstyle; it's you creatures who make me really glad to be colourblind. | | | | --Gremlin
News of the Stoopid [NotS]
November 1999 | |
That was a long time ago.
I warned you. But you didn't listen. Of course, since I am in point of fact inherently evil, that was all according to my larger plan.
Let's start with the news though. As of 27th March 2006, and effective 1st July 2006, smoking in restaurants, pubs, and just about everywhere but DOA's staterun aeroport lounge with its two drink minimum has been outlawed, throughout Colorado. End of story. No more smoking. Not in VillageIdiot ; not even in Friday's . Just like the antismokers--a tenth of one percent of the population--wanted.
And, though I'm not personally one of the ninety percent of forty percent of people--that is to say the nine in ten smokers, where four in ten people smoke--who are okay with this because they want to quit smoking anyway: I am okay with this because it finally lifts away any hypocrisy I might otherwise have been accused of displaying in this forthcoming announcement.
Ready? Here it is.
No More Secondhand Bad Stuff.
Got that? It's over. We're moving ahead with the secondhand danger antinoun movement, and outlawing some other stuff. The smoke didn't bother me; this stuff does. And, since the smoke really only bothered one moron in a thousand, I'm confident that we can collect at least two morons per thousand to back me on the rest of this shit.
Smoke. Not the sort we just outlawed. All of it. Okay? You want a smokefree restaurant? I'm gonna help make that happen. Since the antismoking nazis never looked up the amount of secondhand smoke required to cause any measurable ailments [the actual parts per million required to cause any reaction in labrats is itself a quantum impossiblity, in that the smoke per volume per second can't actually fit into said volume without first being compressed], I'm gonna assume that a smokefree environment does in fact lack as little as one part per octillion of smoke to atmosphere. Therefore: all stoves, grills, fireplaces, heaters, and other smokeproducing apparatus need to be removed from restaurants forthwith. We're also going to need complex entryways to and from the street, upon which drive cars which produce--you guessed it--smoke. Smoke is fine, for now, out in the open air; but, damnit: we're not letting one atom of the shit through our Biosafety Level Three Access Port to the nice, smokefree restaurant. Any restaurant claiming to be smokefree while allowing this renegade smoke to be smuggled in from the automotive deathpool exhaust farm outside will be ipso facto guilty of fraud.
Polo cologne. Because I don't like it. See above. I know this will come as a bit of a shock to Ralph Lauren --particularly coming so hot on the heels of the cautard's injuction against Polo for their infringing use of CAUTION: DRY CLEAN ONLY tags; but, We the Majority have spoken. Deal.
Dust. See above. Again.
Music. Yup: no more music in restaurants. This shouldn't have to be explained too deeply. Any time music is played in a restaurant, risks are run that a given customer will be subjected to Its Song--some popular tune from the past, once enjoyed as a special harmonic entity and operative metaphor for an entire relationship...before the relationship ended badly and the very existence of said song began to cause Secondhand Emotional Discomfort. That said, in addition to this musical prohibition, Barry Manilow, Neil Diamond, and Phil Collins are to be executed immediately for Crimes against the Future of Mental Health.
Mushrooms. Because I'm allergic. And I'm not the only one. No, I can't just 'pick them off', because even the lingering mushroom juice is enough to trigger a headache through my chronic migrainic syndrome. Thus, since a grill [outlawed, above] can contain mushroom juice from an earlier order which can then infect my food: no more mushrooms. Sorry, but secondhand mushrooms hurt me; I'm calling for a bill of fucking attainder, just like the antismokers did.
Sunlight. Outlawing sunlight in general will be difficult. But we can move in stages. We'll get rid of the windows in restaurants to prevent it from coming in at all, which has the additional benefit of preventing us from seeing all that smoke coming out of the cars driving along the street out there. Who wants to look at smoke while they're eating, let alone the sun. Once everyone's used to that, we'll start moving hours of operation into vespertine mode: restaurants, banks, courthouses, et cetera; sundown to sunup; reports show that sunlight is bad for us anyway--particularly those of us with chronic migraine, who really can't step out into this thermonuclear death for more than a minute without triggering another damned headache.
 Religion. I know: the first amendment protects religion, in much the same way that it protects the peaceable assembly of smokers; but, as we've seen, there are always loopholes. Religion is responsible for more secondhand death than all other bad habits combined. We're not letting it into public places anymore; you can go outside to talk to your imaginary friends; public places are DeityFree Environments.
Dumb people. I should probably qualify this a bit, since 'dumb' is a bit variable. Let's just go ahead and split the population down the middle. No one with an IQ beneath one hundred will be allowed in public places. Because they're all loud and dumb and stuff. And who really wants that sort of hazard in any proximity to food. All opposed: solve for the square root of the mass of the planet times the square of the speed of light; show your work.
And, finally: Activism. That's right. Now that I've covered all this, I'm pulling the plug. No more Secondhand Activism. Your whimpering is not allowed to cause any adverse effects to the general population. No more complaining about smoke, or meat, or fur, or oil, or any other damned thing unliked by your lunatic fringe minority special interest soccermom group. It upsets us. It's bad. Keep it to yourself; we'd rather not be subjected to it.
Of course, that's just my opinion. Firsthand. |
