Polytheism
Wednesday, 26th December 2007Have you heard about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He lay awake at night, wondering whether there was a Suez.
The old trend seems to have resurfaced. The one we got rid of for a while at the beginning of the century. I even know which day that was, since I happened to be watching. True story:
On 10th September 2001, I was in a chatroom, talking to various LARPers about their imaginary friends. One of them assured me that the majority of people all believed in Jehovah, though some called it Al’lah. Which impressed me at the time not only as a deplorable argumentum ad populum fallacy, but as a thoughtless statement overall. I’ve looked into both of these myths, and the two deities were approximately nothing alike in descriptions, characteristics, proclivities, or supplemental mythology. Which isn’t the funny part.
The funny part was the next day, when Al’lah sent Boeings into skyscrapers; and the same miserable plebeian told me that Jehovah and Al’lah were enemies, and that Al’lah’s servants should all be destroyed. I agreed that he was half right.
Since then, there hasn’t been a lot of makebelieve about Jehovah and Al’lah being the same animal. Instead, the likes of Al’lah are fictional, because Jehovah says so; even though Al’lah says that the likes of Jehovah are fictional. Apparently, if you can believe everyone, nothing’s real at all. Which is one of the reasons why I don’t believe anyone, and instead wait to see what’s proved factual enough to earn a Nobel Prize.
But, now, having forgotten what they swore to NEVAR FORGET, the LARPers are at it again, telling me that Jehovah and Al’lah and all other deities are all the same thing, and that each of the lunatics makebelieving the lot identify this thing by whichever petname comes to mind. I’m amused by that idea, knowing a few things about a few deities. Because that makes this statement valid:
In his house at R’yleh, dead Jehovah waits, dreaming.
Hey: Cthulhu is just another name for Jehovah? Then Jehovah inherits Cthulhu’s problems too. Jehovah causes gravity by forcing down Asian people with his noodly appendages. Jehovah, at war with Jehovah, copulates with Jehovah which begets Jehovah, until Jehovah divorces Jehovah and Jehovah is adopted by Jehovah’s new wife, Jehovah; then Jehovah has to kill Medusa, who as far as I know wasn’t herself a deity and therefore isn’t Jehovah yet again; then the kraken shows up and fights other giants; but you’ve seen Clash of the Jehovahs already.
Man, there are a lot of Jehovahs out there.
Jehovah lost an eye fighting Jehovah before slaying Jehovah and building the universe into Jehovah’s head. Though Earth sits on Jehovah’s back. Jehovah lost his trident to the followers of Jehovah, who enlisted the help of Jehovah, Jehovah, and Jehovah, which were all defeated by one of Jehovah’s own, preventing Jehovah from escaping. Though Jehovah flows from lifeform to lifeform, saturating everything. Jehovah has six arms; Jehovah has thirteen heads; Jehovah has two legs; Jehovah has tentacles. All deities are Jehovah, which does terrible things to its genotype.
On which note: Jehovah is male. And Jehovah is female. And Jehovah is agendered. And Jehovah is just a colour out of space. And Jehovah is the OneTrueDeity®, which sits on a panel of OneTrueDeity®s, deciding the fates of other OneTrueDeity®s.
I don’t think there’s OneTrueDeity®. I think there’s OneTrueMoron®, and that it keeps changing its name to lie to me in chatrooms after I’ve ignored all its other names for being too stupid to acknowledge. It helps that I have evidence that morons exist, but none that deities exist, noodly or otherwise.
That makes sense, doesn’t it. We know that morons exist. It’s a simple matter of fact. So let’s run with that, and then pretend that only the OneTrueMoron® exists: a tall, short, gay, straight, dead, living, fat, thin, smart, stupid, pretty, ugly, domestic, foreign, smoking, nonsmoking, male, female, great-tasting, less-filling moron. Then let’s ignore it once and for all, and be done with it.
Of course, that’s just my opinion; and you’d better take it seriously, since I’m probably Jehovah.