Politards
Wednesday, 29th August 2007I try not to be political. Which is to say that I don’t want to be political. I don’t much care about politics—especially granting that no system devised to date really works very well. I’m not even certain that I understand politics, at least in the modern sense; I understand law and process and all that; I guess what I don’t understand is what a massive number of armchair analysts think they’re talking about.
Something else I understand is that politards are a sort of superorder of dumb people, unfortunately comprised in part of conspiratards and ecotards and creatards and things. On the bright side, I’ve got this big website here, so I can get into those more specifically, some other time. For the moment, let’s just concentrate on people who think they know what they’re talking about and, even less accurately, think they want me to know what they’re talking about; in fact, if you’re an obvious moron, letting me know that might not be of any real advantage to you.
Let’s start back here a bit. From the book:
<POLITICS>
The political structure of this country staggers me.
Of course, all politics stagger me.
In Duhmerica, there are two factions of politics: democrats and republicans.
<DEMOCRATS>
The democratic platform seems to exist to complain about republicans.
Democrats want to give money to those who haven’t got enough—-except maybe for those of us with migraines—-and get rid of things like guns. If there’s anything more to the democratic philosophy, it hasn’t been made clear to me.
</DEMOCRATS>
<REPUBLICANS>
The republican platform seems to exist to complain about democrats.
Republicans want to keep the money for themselves, and discourage handouts. It’s a sort of political satanism, for that—-the idea that people can survive without help from above; so that’s sorta cool.
Unfortunately, republicans also want to kill people who kill people, but disallow people from having abortions, which fails to make a lot of sense to me. The reasoning seems to be that unborn kids are innocent and killers aren’t. Unless we’re supposed to be believing in the bible, in which case no one is innocent. Meanwhile, republicans are forcing people to have kids they can’t afford, but then saying that these people can’t have any money to raise the kids; and that’s kinda weird to me.
</REPUBLICANS>
Maybe the answer is to create a third party which hasn’t got any of these problems. Maybe we could have a society in which both guns and abortions are legal, since they’re kinda similar in function anyway.
</POLITICS>
Copyright © Gremlin 1999
Which, to date, is about all I’ve ever really had to say about this shit, apart from the ignored warning in the book about the electoral college being a bad idea. Which, also, is about to change. Are you sitting comfortably….
First, let’s talk for a moment about me. Since that might be interesting. I know I’m enthralled. I’m not a democrat; I never have been. That seems to come as a bit of a shock to people who figure that, since I’m smarter than average, I must be. But I’m not. Possibly because I’m slightly smarter still. Who knows. Also, I’m not a republican, which tends to elicit the same shocks, but from the other side. I’m not even technically a libertarian, which nearly gets a shock from libertarians, except that they tend to be a bit too smart to be shocked by things. I’m a sort of cypheranarchic cyberpunk. But not entirely. What I am is selfaware; I don’t need a political party; I just need a newspaper: I’ll look at an issue and then, without giving a damn about the partyline, I’ll decide what I think of it. So, in cases, I’ll agree with democrats about things like abortions, with republicans about things like guns, with libertarians about things like rights, and with sociopaths about the value of human life.
Having now given the morons who tripped across this site while misspelling the hell outta MichaelMoore.com this sociopathic ad hominem thing to judge me by, we can move on; the rest of this isn’t really for dumb people.
At the moment, the morons are concentrating on a few really goofy things as though they’ll really matter in a couple of years.
One of them is the Iraqi War. If you haven’t heard of that, you may instead have heard of the Iraq War. Because Iraq is an adjective now. Because people are morons.
I think, as of now, we’ve finally moved beyond the desperately erudite inference that the Iraqi War might be about oil. Mostly because it was never really in dispute that it was about oil. I could talk about oil for a long time; but that would be better saved for the Ecotards article I’ll get to later.
Also, the Iraqi War was about Weapons of Mass Destruction. Because mass is an adjective now. Because people are morons. And that’s a point of contention: that this weaponry was never found in Iraq after Iraq were given notice to get the weapons the hell outta Iraq and hidden in Syria. So that’s a nonissue to bipeds.
And, the Iraqi War is about exit strategies. Including my favourite: Not Going There in the First Place. I say we try that one. If only because the money dumped into timetravel would make the inflated figures at costofwar.com look like a receipt for a TootsieRoll. And that’s way better than getting over the whimpering and thinking up an actual plan. My personal plan is to bug out and let one of three allahworshipping cults take over the region; then, optionally, we could go back and exterminate the winner. Tha’d be a happy ending, I think.
Of course, at the risk of stepping on a line from the forthcoming Conspiratards article, the Iraqi War is also about murder. Or, I should say, MURDER!!!1 Because that’s what the morons say. And I’m big on accuracy. See, because President Junior is MURDER!!!1ing children. Mostly children named Sheehan, apparently: most of whom seem to be reenlisted adults who, in a perfect world, wouldn’t know their parents anymore, being grownups. The problem with this makebelieve is that, despite the potential meaning of MURDER!!!1, the meaning of murder is illegal homicide, greater than manslaughter, as determined in a court of law. Which is why we have things like suspected murderers. It’s not an actual murderer until the jury says so. And that’s not likely in this case because there’s no evidence that President Junior has murdered anyone. He’s expended military gear; but that’s a little different. It might be crass to fire off a few human bullets as partyfavours, but, in legal fact, that’s what a soldier is: an article of military gear—nothing more or less. Don’t like that legal fact? Don’t join the damned army. And, in case you forget, you’ll see that again at the recruiting centre: you have to read and acknowledge that fact before they’ll let you in for the manly experience of shaving your head and living with men.
Speaking of sophistic armchair lawyers [I'd mentioned MichaelMoore.com]: neither the Iraqi War nor the presidential administration is illegal. It might be tacky, but it’s not illegal. If you don’t believe me, call a cop; if you don’t believe the cops, come back here for the article on conspiratards. The war was declared by the proper process, signed off upon by the proper people; whether the Ambassador of Malaria happened to vote in favour of it is immaterial to the legal standing of a country opting to invade another. And Junior was elected by the supreme court which, you might find, are the tiebreakers when the electoral college fucks up. Did Junior somehow stack the supreme court with lackeys who’d vote for him? Immaterial. Corruption and illegality are different things, which is why they’re not spelled the same way.
I could probably go on slamming democrats [liberal, it turns out, is an adjective; so I don't pretend that it's a noun], but it’s just not fun anymore. Let’s see what sucks about republicans these days….
Hang on; I’m thinking….
There’s the part where they start a lot of wars. Like that last one who started a war once every three weeks, on average. Bill something. Oh: that was Clinton. Okay: thinking….
Oh: there’s the part where republicans spend a surplus and wreck the economy and…that might be better for Conspiratards, since it usually relies on 11th September 2001 wrecking the economy which plummeted the previous March. Thinking….
They’re a bunch of creatards. We’ll get to that later too. Thinking….
Ashcroft. The guy who wanted to cover up statues. And he complained about polygons in GrandTheftAuto which couldn’t be seen without cracking the game in violation of the End User Licensing Agreement and that was Hillary; nevermind. Thinking….
Oh yeah. Ann Coulter. She looks like a guy. Or something. So, there you go: republicans are chicks who look like guys. That’s, uh…evil. Or something. Let’s move on….
So, there you have it. Democrats are legally sophistic, mathematically challenged warmongering civilrights MURDER!!!1ers who pretty much claim that republicans are legally sophistic, mathematically challenged warmongering civilrights MURDER!!!1ers. And, to some degree, they might be right. But I don’t care: the enemy of my enemy is my enemy.
It really doesn’t matter much, to be honest. Junior can pass whatever goofy laws he likes; they might even be enforced a couple times before the ACLU leap in and ameliorate molehills into mountains; at the least, the laws will only last as long as the administration, presuming that it’s replaced by a bunch of democrats who want nothing more than to fix the world just the way that Clinton, Carter, Johnson, and all the others never did.
It’s not about politics. Not really. It’s about the world being unfair, people being greedy apathetic morons, and the best alternative being long, feckless rants which, if not ignored, will at least be rejected by the opposition, who have their own feckless rants ready to go.
Of course, that’s just my opinion; uh…what’s a less disparaging word for feckless….