Induhpendunce Day
Thursday, 4th July 2002Denver, Colorado [NotS]
The Bills are right.
Bixby: ‘Don’t make me angry; you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.’
Paxton: ‘Game over, Man; game over.’
Shatner: ‘There’s a…man…on the…wing.’
And Pullman: ‘Perhaps it’s fitting that today is Independence Day.’
There are electronic roadsigns all over town [see REPORT DRUNK DRIVERS for more on those] which have now been programmed to read:
Got $500?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Which kinda begs the question.
What, exactly, is the message here? Am I really being told that it’s against the law to celebrate the independence of Duhmerica from the oppressive oligarchy which disallowed such simple liberties as the legal ability to blow things up? Or is this some ironic joke of some sort? Like I’m expected to revolt against the oligarchy [which is allowed, by its own ruling, to blow things up for the common good] by blowing things up and facing a fine of five hundred bucks?
It’s a fucking firecracker, people. It’s not like I’ve got a boxcutter, or a videogame with too many red pixels, or, *gasp*, a cigarette. Why be in Duhmerica at all if you’re no longer allowed to remind yourself that you’re in a free country by freely emulating the deplorable munitions of the eighteenth century? In fact, fuck that: let’s remind ourselves that we beat the Japs in 1945; I wanna emulate Hiroshima here; I wanna blow up a fucking town to remind everyone that Duhmerica is the Land of the Free.
Not a big town. Something roughly the size of Hiroshima, maybe. Say…Littleton, Colorado. Sound okay with everyone? Blow the fucker off the grid. And remember the Alamo. And maybe eradicate Atlanta before the damned Dixies get round to launching a surprise attack on the Union.
Okay, you caught me: I don’t actually care about Duhmerica; I just dig blowing shit up.
Although I might care about this country if there were some purpose for its existence. If it were somehow a better place to be than England these days. Hell: if it were even equal these days. At least you have the freedom, in the UK, to clone people. You know: cloning. The ultimate goal of the medical field. To save lives by replacing the parts. Something you can’t do in Duhmerica. Because, in a country where no law will be passed respecting an establishment of religion, we wouldn’t wanna anger any deities by rendering them obselete.
Which is slightly beyond the scope of this article.
I don’t actually care much about fireworks. They’re not really very interesting. They don’t really impress me. They’re really just another way of redirecting the attention of an idiot. But so is a helium balloon. Or a television.
It’s not the action of blowing something up I’m concerned about. It’s the action of the Duhmerican government when they tell their citisens that it’s against the law to demonstrate their freedoms.
Of course, that’s just my opinion; and yes: I’ve got fireworks and five hundred bucks.
–Gremlin