Satellite Subscribers Only
Friday, 20th October 2000By Jurassosaurs, reporting for NotS
Somewhere in New Mexico [NotS]
Ah, where to begin. Well for starters I am no longer living in New York (sadly) and have since moved out west to attend New Mexico Tech. Actually there is more to this, including a NotS involving my dad’s side of the family, a breakdown in Ohio and calling in the police to arrest my psycho father.
But all that is for a future NotS installment which I started in early September to recount the events of late August and, at my present pace, should be done by mid-December :(
Anyway back to the story.
So returning back to the town that time forgot I get to rejoice in the fact that I can see my mom again and avoid my dad for the rest of eternity, while at the same time I am forced to deal with all the annoyances that caused me to leave in the first place. Such annoyances include living in a third world state (if one can imagine such a thing) that is overlooked by its own country more times than Wyoming, dealing with people who still believe in a sun god, destiny and all that other “fun stuff”, handling artistic snobs (a perfect example of the term false confidence) and most of all, dealing with the shittiest TV reception in the entire country. Swamp bound Hillbillies with coat hangers for antennas get better reception than we do. Why; because they don’t have to deal with mountains on all sides and a town so small that it can’t hold more than 2 cops at any one time for a couple months, much less coax a TV station to move their damn antennas to the top of the frickin mountains. As such all but the shittiest station (i.e. ABC, CBS & TBN) look grainy.
In this town there are two ways to get decent reception.
1. Have a 100ft tall, 1 tonne antenna placed on your roof or…
2. Get cable.
OK so that seems simple enough. Even in New York there are places where you need basic cable just to get the core channels. In fact we would do it if it weren’t for one minor problem…the fucking cable company says that our house is too far out of town for the cable to reach.
?
Yeah so maybe I’d believe this cock & bull story if it weren’t for the fact that our next door neighbours both in town and out of town have cable. The real truth is that this house never had cable and so the fat ass cable people don’t want to go to the extra effort of installing an entirely new line all the way up to our house.
OK fine, fuck them. We have something better anyhow.
Good ole satellite. Yeah those stupid 12″ dishes that they place on one’s house and that allow for all the perks of cable without the bulky wires.
Well it just so happens that my mother bought a Dish Network Satellite dish from the incompetent niece of a friend of her’s. It only cost her $100 installation and all. Not a bad deal at all.
Or so it seemed.
My mother is attending school right now and as such, she lacks the sufficient funds required to activate the programming. Luckily that is where I come in. Without the dish I have no WB. This wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the fact that the bulk of the programming that I have been taping for the past couple of years happens to be on that channel including Buffy (which I’ve already missed three episodes of the new season).
Okay so I have the will and I have the way. So I call up the Dish Network and get one of their “living” operators.
Troglodyte#1: Hello and Welcome to Dish Network. My name is forgetable, how may I help you?
Yes I would like to activate my account and turn on my programming.
Trog#1: Okay sure, I’ll just need your account number or Receiver ID.
Okay.
So the operator types the receiver ID in and calls up the account.
For a moment there is silence.
A tumbleweed rolls by, children play outside.
Murphy’s Law comes into play.
Trog#1: I’m sorry sir but that account has an $88.38 balance that must be paid before we can relinquish the account and place your name on it.
My heart sinks while simultaneously my temper rises. I hang up and ask my mother exactly who it was that she bought this defunct dish from.
Heh heh, it turns out that the lady who owned the dish happens to be one of those “childhood problems” morons who lives off government money, grows to immense proportions and apparently believes that everyone on this planet was put here to pity her.
Why the fuck do I always wind up running into these assholes?
So we call up my mom’s friend and she lets her know that “Becky the behemoth” has some charges that need taking care of.
“Rest assured” her friend says, “I will tell Becky and have her straighten it out”.
Yay, problem solved.
A week passes…
Hmm, y’know I’ve got the feeling that Bestial Becky here isn’t going to pay it off. Great, just plain frickin great. Luckily I can choose to pay for it instead.
So now I am left with a “dilemma.” Should I:
A) Pay the bill and get the programming activated immediately or…
B) Way for this montane mimic to come to the far off conclusion that maybe she should take responsibility for her life and pay up this late fee.
Hmm, see Buffy or let someone learn a “valuable life lesson”
So I’m on the phone with Dish Network again.
Troglodyte#2: Hi I’m annoying how may I help you today?
Yes I would like to activate my account and turn on my programming.
Trog#2: Okay and your account number/Receiver ID is?
Before I tell you I must let you know that the person we bought if from has an unpaid balance and I would like it if you would just bill me that instead.
Okay sir, this balance must be paid up before we can activate your account.
Why can’t you just place it on my bill?
Trog#2: I’m sorry sir but it must be paid first before we can activate the account.
Did anyone else hear an echo?
Yeah, yeah $%^# fine.
Trog#2: Thank you for calling Dish Network.
So I’m back to square 1 again. Now I’m forced to wait till the end of next week when I get paid so that I can get the money order out to these assholes and clear this shit up.
First though, I needed to get a bank account (I recently got a new job which is explained somewhat in the Holiday edition NotS). I don’t get paid until the end of the next week, so once again, another week passes.
That following week with money and account in hand I prepare to get a money order to handle this shit once and for all.
Ah, but wait, upon checking the Dish Network FAQ channel (which is the only channel we can get there, excluding the christian channel and the home shopping network), I find out that one can pay the bill via personal check. All they need is your personal account #.
Happily, I stroll to the phone and dial up Dish Network yet again.
Troglodyte #3: Hello and thank you for calling Dish Network. My name’s disposable and I will be your hurdle for the day.
Yes, I am calling to activate my programming and pay up a balance that was left by the previous owner.
Receiver ID BS handled
Okay sir, you have a balance of $88.38 that must be paid up before we can relinquish the account.
[Well frickin duh, thank you so much oh unwanted answerer of unasked questions]
Yes I would like to pay that up via check.
We accept Visa and MasterCard. How would you like to pay.
*Head pounding* I said that I would like to pay via personal check…over the phone.
I’m sorry sir but we do not handle such transactions. The only over the phone choices are credit/check card or Western Union Autopay.
Noo, your FAQ clearly states that all I need to give is the personal account # and I am capable of paying via check over the phone.
…
The only over the phone choices are credit/check card or Western Union Autopay.
I’d say that at this point it was readily apparent that this idiot never saw the 24/7 infomercial. I guess they have Primestar >:)
So once again I am forced to go without satellite again. And why; because some moron at the customer service end never watched the stoopid tape.
OY!
A few days pass and I am given my free ATM card (which comes with the free checking) and lo and behold, it doubles as a debit card. Not only that, but it says Visa on the bottom right hand corner, which means the Dick Network people will accept it.
Great!!
Now I just need to activate it.
At that moment I vaguely recollect hearing the lady at the bank tell me that my card and PIN number will be coming separately, so as to avoid anyone stealing both.
I need the PIN to activate the card so I can call the Dish Dorks and pay off the balance that Bay of Pigs Becky should have done in the friggin first place.
But that didn’t come in yet.
Even more time passes and I am finally granted the damn PIN #. So I call up to activate the card. After suffering a quick seizure while trying to read my exact account number (I gotta love those stoopid rubber stamps when they get low on ink) I finally get the damn thing activated.
Okay nothing’s going to stop me now. Just call up Dish Network one more time and get this all squared away.
So I call them one more time (at this point the number should be on speed dial).
Troglodyte Queen: Hello welcome to yadda, yadda, yadda I’m an old hag, how may I test your patience today?
I would like to activate my account and turn on my programming. First I need to pay off the previous account holder’s balance.
Okay; Smart Card Number
[News to me] Oookaay 58..
Trog Queen: S00!!
Apparently I needed to start it off with the S00 part even though the diagnostics says that nowhere. It just so happens to be on the actual “smart cards” themselves.
Of course since it is on all the smart cards it kinda makes you wonder why she even bothered making me say S00 first?
Idiots!
Yes sir, there is an $88.38 balance that must be paid up before programming can be activated
What, are these people payed extra to say this every time?
Yes, I know I would like to pay that up now.
Before you do that sir, we will need the previous account holder’s permission to let you have said account.
WHAT!!
I’m sorry sir, but we cannot let you have it [or apparently pay for it] until the previous account holder says that it is OK. Just have her call us up and verify that she sold it to you.
Which brings us to the present. Goddamn it, now I have to somehow coax boulder butt Becky to somehow get up enough energy to walk over to her phone, pound the keypad with what was once a hand and call them up. Then to somehow explain to them that the account that she has apparently not paid for months, is being given to someone else.
Gee no pressure.
What the hell do these Dick Network morons think is going to happen. What, that all of a sudden this account is going to get hijacked by someone who pays on time? That someone reliable is going to takeover? Someone competent?
Hmm, considering how well the customer service works, that might very well be the reason.
I swear at this rate I’d have better luck hacking into the VLA than getting this piece of shit up and running.
–Jurassosaurus