BangBang
Thursday, 8th June 2000Des Moines, Iowa [NotS]
—–Original Message—–
From: Hank Henschaw Pronounced as ‘Kevin Stern’ [mailto:sci.fi@usa.net]
Sent: Tuesday, June 06, 2000 1:55 AM
To: parry@aftab.com; kelley@cyberangels.org; programs@cyberangels.org
Subject:
Bet you never thought you’d hear from me again.
It was more of a false hope, actually.
Figure old Gremlin would have offed me by now.
Um…I banned him, if that’s the same thing….
Putting a hit out on someone usually does this sort of thing.
Um…what?
But not against me.
For the same reasons no one ever assassinated Gerald Ford, I suppose.
I didn’t survive Gremlin’s first murder attempt in October to die at the hands of the military soldier and Canadian lackey’s threats against my life.
A) What murder attempt?
B) Is Kev dumb enough to believe that using a name like ‘Hank Henschaw’ is going to do anything to hide his identity? I mean: it’s easy enough to trace him to his ISP, and then get his identity from them; it’s also simple enough to determine that we’re dealing with the same entity through his website and his EMail accounts. For someone who technically graduated from college with an I-know-what-a-computer-is degree, he’s not real, um…savvy, to use the appropriate term.
C) Following the point in B, this twit just handed me a libel suit which is already proved beyond the shadow of a doubt. I’ll probably go ahead and run with it, just to impoverish him into extinction.
D) What in hell is a ‘military soldier’? Is that different than some other sort of soldier?
E) What in hell is a ‘Canadian lackey’? Is that different than…oh wait…nevermind =)
Nor their precious god’s attempts threats either.
One good way to look pretentious and bombastic is to begin a sentence with ‘nor’…particularly when there’s no ‘neither’ anywhere else in sight. Otherwise, the sentence fails to make enough sense to respond against.
No.
But let’s not overlook the islandic ‘No.’ which has nothing to do with any other sentence….
His server remained down long enough for me to learn what it’ll take to survive.
My server’s never been down for more than a few hours. Which makes sense, I guess: you could learn how to survive in a matter of hours. I’m not sure whether BangBang could learn anything that quickly; he hasn’t learned anything like typing yet.
Now, with it’s being ready this June, well, to you wonderful idea of revenge, I will strike first.
Remember: BangBang is a writer….
I tried to be reasonable.
Since EMailing cyberangels.org to have someone arrested, for not being very nice, is reasonable and all….
I asked for help.
Admitting that you’re an idiot is the first step toward recovery.
I did everything I was supposed to, even to offer the most amount of help possible.
You asked for help, and then offered the help back?
I tired to get them the mental help they needed.
The ‘I tired’ tells me something….
They did this to a 15 year old boy before.
They? This? Okay: who sent badly-written EMails to a fifteen-year-old; raise your hand.
Now they try it on me.
For the record: I’ve never sent any badly-written threats regarding BangBang.
Who’s next?
Yikes: a Daltry fan; run….
Any kid or adult really.
The Gremlin Empire are an Equal Opportunity Insult Factory.
Seeing as how the Grempire, as they like to call it, is a cult that’s against the idiots of the world.
We’re a cult now? Who authorised this….
96% of the populace fall into that,including you all.
Ninety-six percent of the populace are not with the Grempire; not that I’d mind….
Hence my trying to help save their minds, or what’s left of it.
The writer strikes again.
However, no one would help me. You all just laughed at me and gave me the run around.
The hell you say….
So be it!
Hazah!
If you will not help protect me from the Gremlinites, then I’ll just have to make sure you must protect them from me!
If you will not be turned, then perhaps your sister…hey: who cast BangBang as Annakin Skywalker….
By your command.
And the power of GreySkull.
I’m going to do to them what they plan to do to me this June.
Publish a book?
I’m going to hunt them down like animals, and I’m going to destroy them.
Try this at home: replace ‘hunt them down’ with ‘type common words’.
That’s right.
Yes, I know.
Not kill them.
So that’s good news….
Destroy them.
Oh, well in that case–hey!
Killing is something you people believe in. Not me.
BangBang believes in aliens and deities.
I’m going to do the worst thing a human could possibly have to endure.
Proofread this shit?
Death will only end their agony, and silence their shame.
And lower their taxes, and get them a free suit.
So instead, I’m simply going to break them.
He’s threatening a biography, I think….
Thanks to comic book violence, I have learned never to kill.
Swyndle: you were right–those pictures do help get the story across….
Nobody gets off that easily, least of all after threatening and stalking me.
Next time, BangBang can ask for help in getting people off.
Not to mention, Gremlin’s previously failed attempt on my life in October.
Tell me about it: it failed so miserably that I didn’t even know about it.
Gremlin the false idol,
‘false idol’ is redundant, Assloaf.
shall be first (he actually considers himself a god, as is indeed worshipped).
Um…I’m a deity over my novels; Banger’s the only one I ever caught trying to worship me though.
I already have two addresses on him: Gremlin CO Rainbow Ridge Publications, 1990 150th Avenue, Indianola, Iowa 50125 and Gremlin PO Box 440393 Aurora, Colorado 80044.
Damn. No more sleeping at the post office or at Rainbow Ridge, I guess. And for reference, the POBox is 441775; Aurora, Colorado 80044-1755
He looks exactly like Jeff Goldblum.
Neat: Banger’s gonna kill Jeff; they’re gonna cast me to play Malcolm in Jurassic Park Three….
He’s like 6’4, and very very skinny.
All units: be on the lookout for this description….
He hangs out at restauants like Bills and Perkins, with his Sony laptop and digital camera, smoking away and belittling everyone who comes in.
BangBang’s not very smart; lemee clear this up a bit. It’s not Bill’s; it’s Billy Joe’s [see NotS:MP] and I only belittle those who come over and bother me. Of course, that happens here at the website, too….
He’s in Denver, CO, now.
Lemee just scroll up to the date here…sixth June…sixth June…I was on the south side of Des Moines–on an army base–all day long.
See, I can easily find out about him, too.
Yes: we see.
I don’t need to ask “his” friends for help, like he did of mine.
My friends wouldn’t tell you anything; your enemies [including your sister] were most accomodating….
I also know one of his many weak points. His ego.
My id and superego, however, are made of teflon-coated kevlar.
All I have to do is e-mail gremlin@gremlin.net and say I have a copy of his book, News Of The Stoopid (which does contain pie bomb building instructions, as he himself brags about all the time), and I’m going to be in Denver on any given day.
Um…I never placed anything in NotS regarding the baking of pie bombs. Maybe I’ll add that to Damnitology…just for you.
Where will you be so I can meet you and get an autograph.
No autographs.
Once he tells me, I’m there. AND THAT FUCK IS TOAST!
Heh. Charon…Skip…Hunter…Vigo…somebody let this idiot know how ‘easily’ I become toast.
Think of all the fun I can have with him.
Maybe I’ll have a backgammon board with me. Or some balloons.
I can easily debobbitize him (You know, off with his head, down with the stalk), and then castrate him.
I think I’d notice that…and, if not, several crazychicks would….
Trust me, it’s best he never has a begotten child.
On that, we’re agreed.
Plus, it’s only fair that I do.
Since BangBang’s not likely to have kids; he’s twenty-five, and has never had sex yet.
After all, he took away my most precious, and it was a birthday present no less.
Your credibility?
Only fitting I do the eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nail for a nail, a most precious, for a most precious.
Tolkien, isn’t it?
So good-bye Gremmy’s most precious.
No! Not my nearly-finished Police Academy FanFic novella!
And it was a birthday present, no less.
Is this, like, deja vu, or did BangBang get lost….
Then, following in the eye for an eye bit, I’m going to do to him, what you humans did to me.
I envision a sort of Clockwork Orange skinneristic you-must-watch-television-until-you-believe-in-it strategy here.
You cost me my right eye, so now he loses his.
You lost your right eye? So…do people call you ThreeEyes now?
Then there’s plenty of body mass to slice and dice.
Notwithstanding the very, very skinny concern….
Slashing is so much fun nowadays.
Unitl about a month ago, there were still too many restrictions and licences and all.
Arms and legs to massacre and amputate. Backs and bones to break, necks to snap, paralysis to induce.
Words to misspell; Tolkien books to plagiarise; animated teddy bears to put on websites….
And of course, home made lobotomies.
Ooh…love your labotomy…is that Lord&Taylor, or–really, you made that?
Right through the left side, specifically, the speech center.
Are we meant to envision Tommy Lee Jones squinting as he explains this?
You do know what happens to people who get brain damaged there, don’t you?
They send EMails from ‘Hank Henschaw’?
All I’m saying is, big surprise.
If that were truly all he were saying, I’d be done reading this by now….
Of course, this will happen to all the Gremlinites. Even the few females in this cult.
An Equal Opportunity Idiot.
Yes, thanks to medical incompetence, I now know how to hurt women.
You used to be an incompetent woman?
Off with their breasts.
Like Banger would recognise those things….
The emotional damage alone is the most fun, yes/no?
[A]bort/[R]etry/[F]ail?
The interesting part is how two members were kids when they joined 2 years ago.
Um…two gremlin.net regulars, or two tits? Y’know: English115 shoulda mentioned paragraphs to you.
1 still is. He lives in Arizona, uses IP 63.14.195.5 – 1Cust5.tnt4.phoenix.az.da.uu.net UU.NET e-mail addy FordPrefect82@hotmail.com and his dad works for a high-tech audio design firm in boulder.
Actually, he’s in Boulder now; and I have his name; and I’m not going to tell you what it is.
This is who you allow to be corrupted, and will go down, as well.
Yup: Banger’s a JesusCrispy; kill the misguided.
Had you bothered to care about me, I’d have simply had Gremlin, Imp, Hunter, Host, and Swyndle, the main offenders, institutionalized, where they could get the help they so badly need, as stated before.
Had they bothered to care about this, they’d have been institutionalised for believing any of it.
But you decided my life was worth squat, not even.
Explaining the true failure of this alleged ‘hit’: no one wanted to bother killing him for the fair market value….
You called it two guys going back and forth on a message board (the wave of cyber stalkings/crimes of the 21st centurey, BTW).
Here again, BangBang isn’t sure which century he’s in…or which planet he’s from….
Said I wanted revenge.
So publish your own book–and without my help.
No.
The other publishing companies pinkslipped you too? You must really suck….
I wanted them healed.
Cure migraines, and I might drop the charges….
But thanks for the idea.
Ah…Exhibit A: cyberangels.org suggested this killing spree….
Their minds can never be healed.
Not until something goes wrong with them, no.
No one wants them institutionalized for their/our safety.
Agreed.
So if I can’t help heal their minds like I want to, I’ll do things your way, and damage their bodies just as badly as their minds are.
The lost episode, where Pinky tries to take over the world through mind control without Brain’s help….
I must protect myself.
Wasn’t that your excuse for never having had sex? That the, ah, American government had invented AIDS just to get you?
It’s do or die.
Typically known as the polysyllabic publish or perish.
They want me to die, now they’ll spend a lifetime begging to die.
Um…we probably wouldn’t mind if you died; but you’re not nearly important enough to bother killing.
However, I’m going to make sure medical science keeps them alive and in agony for a long time to come.
Dalton Trumbo was banned, but not because of his sentence structure….
A very long time indeed.
Ah, yes, Alec: the question is ‘how long will it take to read this pointlessness’.
For the promise of a little mercy, Gremlin will help me track down his followers.
We finally found an America’s Dumbest Criminal who’s even less intelligent than any of the show’s hosts….
And you inspired me.
He’s really handing us his insanity plea here, isn’t he. Memo to myself: go pass bar in time to appear as lead prosecutor.
Thanks > : )
Fucker stole my emoticon….
You see, you really should have helped me out.
You don’t see a lot of jewish democrats in life….
Instead of ignoring me, you should have worked with me.
I’m not publishing your book; figure it out.
For I’m the second.
Number Two.
A mere child was first.
Dashing any hopes that BangBang is a child….
You see, they go after kids AND adults.
The baptists?
Which means more youths are in danger.
…of debilitating illiteracy.
And you’re helping them.
Note to Kelley: thanks again for all the help =)
So I must stop them alone.
Because no one likes him.
You’ll of course be thanking me, because Americans don’t like child abusers.
Or twenty-five-year-olds with teddy bears on their websites.
If you think I’m bluffing, remember, I was with them for 2 plus years before I learned they were dead serious and escaped their cult brainwashing.
No more attempts at brainwashing the brainless….
You see the penalty for escaping.
We take away your ability to type.
I even asked http://StopNetAbusers.org for help but they refused to even acknowledge my existence.
What wisdom; shoulda thoughta that.
Guess all you so called protectors are all talk, no action.
Or, they don’t base their legal practises on Seinfeld episodes….
To scared to venture past baby mild tiff chat rooms.
Um…that…there may be a basis for that, in a few of their regulars; but the ones I’ve been talking to can even handle ICQ….
The big boys play on Message Boards.
Of course, the real good ones can write message boards, instead of using anything from bravenet.com….
And get off scott free, thanks to you and your kind.
And, ah…which legislation outlawed the use of PERL in communication?
So, go ahead. I’ll do what you all are too scared and powerless to do.
Suck?
Stop the Gremlinites, and save the world.
And we woulda got away with it, if it weren’t for this damned moron….
Then you can explain to the world why you let this happen.
Intelligence, mostly.
Course, Hunter (AKA Tabitha)shall be dishonorably discharged from the army.
Little late, Dumbass: she’s already been discharged with full honours.
Which you should have had done anyway.
Yeah, since cyberangels.org are in charge of the Duhmerican army and all….
Then of course try her for treason and conspiracy to kill.
Perhaps she was under orders to eliminate the illegal aliens….
She did sneak Gremlin a gun and some biochemical weapons.
Um…Hunter never got me a gun; there’s no such thing as a biochemical weapon.
Germs.
That kooties thing is an urban legend; chicks don’t actually have them.
Now, she and her fellow fools shall all suffer the fate.
Of BangBang’s EMails.
And the Army can explain why they’re training soldiers to kill innocent civilians.
Requiring minds wanna know.
But hey, I’m sure the American people, as well as the world, will understand.
I doubt it.
Maybe they’ll blame me for stopping the blood shed.
Probably.
After all, if you think what happened at Wendy’s was bad, or Columbine, well, these folks have analyzed their mistakes, and what they plan to do to me and others is far worse.
How are Wendy’s and Columbine related? I admit, I never ate anything at Columbine, but it can’t have been that bad….
Go ahead, think Gremlin’s not planning this.
Actually, the thought of a restaurant has occurred to me; I picked up www-restaurant.com.
If you ignore it, it’ll go away.
I wish that were true.
All thanks to me.
Ya gotta like unrelated self-promotion in children’s literature
By the way, Gremlin was right about one thing.
Only one? Um…lemee look over…oh, here it is: ‘BangBang’s an idiot’.
Our psychotic, unstable, insane fiend did figure out the truth about me.
Oh. Right. Kevin Stern; born 9th July 1975, Bronx, NY; older sister is Tracey Stern; attended Dominican College in Orangeburg; no income; no employment; no car; no licence; no friends; no girlfriends; no boyfriends; no life.
I am an alien.
More bullshit which won’t work as an insanity plea.
So anything I do is all nice and legal.
Have you ever been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder? Hunter wants to know….
Besides the fact Universal Law dictates I do this to them (your country is in our universe), I have Diplomatic Immunity by your own misbegotten laws.
Not without written and recognised proof and a seat on the United Nations.
See, it’s all just a game to me, too.
Because Banger’s afraid of reality.
While Gremlin studied me like an animal, calling me his hobby, and playing a game where he collects info and stores it in a text file, I play a very different game.
It’s called Pokemon; it involes cute little animals on cards; it’s also known as Go Fish.
In my game, I damage molecular structures on a life altering level.
By rolling a 2d6 and hoping the DM’s in a good mood.
A paralyzed paraplegic isn’t a fun thing to be.
What about an unparalysed one?
A know about, oh say, 12-15 who will have fun being so.
We’ll take it as read that this sentence made sense, and move on….
They have no choice.
This must have relied on the weird collection of words above it.
To think, if you would have helped me out when I asked, maybe none of this would have happened.
It still wouldn’t have been worth publishing your idiotic Tolkien hack.
But you didn’t. So it will. It must.
William Shatner, nineteen sixty-seven.
My life and all the lives of the children and my fellow adults must be saved.
He’s about to promise never to publish anything, isn’t he….
America isn’t designed to handle people like Gremlin,
That’s true.
and so I will stop them, by using the same tricks those before me have.
Hey Rocky: watch me pull a rabbit outta my ass….
Like I said, I’m doing to them what they will do to me.
Writing a novel, apparently.
You thought Coloumbine and Wendy’s was horrible?
Not by comparison to the EMail.
Wait until I go all INS on their bodies.
Which reminds me: SETI called; you seem to have walked off with their probe.
Their internal organs shall be treated exactly as Eilan Gonzalous was.
Subjected to dinner with Janet Reno? Noooooooo!
I do not want to do this.
…but his intellectual level leaves him no choice.
You are making me.
Thanks for the warning; guys: halt production on Idiot Number Two, please….
I must do this.
Working at McDonald’s is toooo haaaard….
To protect the world from devastation.
And from logical plotlines.
To unite all peoples into one nation.
I’ll take Things Hitler Said for a thousand….
To promote the beauty of truth and love.
…and accidental wordart in EMails.
To extend my rules to the stars above.
I feel a song coming on here….
I will protect the human race from the Grempire, even if I must do it alone.
You must: no one likes you.
I hope you’re happy and still laughing.
We are.
Nobody wanted to help me when I asked.
That’s because no one likes you, MonkeyBoy….
Now there will be much suffering for your crimes against me and all peoples of this world.
More EMails?
And when Gremlin posts my info, I’m also comming after you allas well.
It’s an all-out ThreatFest, coming up next on the BangBang Channel….
See, Amercians don’t liek Big Brother putting their personal specks on the Net for the world to see.
Like POBox numbers and publishers’ addresses, you mean….
So, I’m gonna have so breaking fun with your bodies as well.
Erm…Banger’s hitting on me again….
Not that you can stop me.
Not without being accused of using superior force, anyway.
You’re little tricks
No we’re not.
for teaching people how to stalk each toehr are quite useless off a chat room (baby land).
Well, yeah; that much is true.
Heck, you couldn’t even track down my personal info with just my credit card number.
You have a credit card? I don’t believe you.
Here, try and find out lots about me: 5420969100031840.
BangBang stole my credit card! He threatens to kill me, destroy me, write badly, and steals my credit card! What’s the defence here: criminal idiocy?
I know that you can’t Not even an experation date.
I’ve got the expiry date; I’ve got the card.
Why couldn’t you have helped me when I asked for it?
Because you suck.
Why did you try and doom me for. Why? WHY!
You have to ask?!?
–Gremlin