JesusCrispies
Friday, 17th December 1999gremlin.net [NotS]
This is interesting. Somehow, a bunch of idiots have begun to accuse me of lashing out against them in this whole JesusCrispy thing. Which means that the trilogy of News of the Stoopids which used to be here is now gone. Instead, here’s an EMail I got from an idiot:
One night while I was sitting at the computer, I heard the Usually WELCOME sound of the Instant Message Bell [which suggests, to me, AOL], As I minimized [sic] what I was doing so I could read the mail [Here's someone using a machine which can't multitask] I noticed it read “r u Christian?” [This is a lie. Want proof? No one is going to have an undercased 'r u' followed by a capitalised 'christian'. Facts are being obscured already] immediately I responded [Which suggests, to me, that they have nothing better to do than to immediately respond] “Yes I am, who are you?” again and again [and over and over, and exhibiting a tendency to repeat] the response was things that exalted the devil such as “Jesus is dead the Romans killed him [I read through the bible, and that seems to be part of the story, actually], Go Romans”again and again [and over the river and through the woods, with panic attacks we go....] I responded who is this, who is this [Who can it be now; somebody's watching me], until an answer came back, “SATAN.” [Like you didn't see this one coming] I immediately [Dis word you use--I do not dink it means what you dink it means] responded with one of my favo[u]rite scriptures “Neither give place to the devil” [Nor what? What, I have to go look up the predicate?] Ephisians 4:27. And I quickly [though not immediately] blocked the person from my Instant Messages. [Personally, I'd have just deleted the Instant Messages file altogether] I realized that the devil was working all the time to “GET” us, [booga booga booga] and I decided I was gonna get him back, [He wants to get you; you want to get him; great: I now pronounce you devil and loser] God is VERY REAL, [Really? Oh. I had no idea. Is it too late to just accept that without a shred of evidence?] and so is the devil, [Surprise Number Two] but God will prevail! [Prevail over what. Look, Idiot: you're talking about a fictional-yet-omnipotent entity. I'd hardly accuse it of prevailing. That would suggest conflict and effort. No omnipotent entity could empathise with effort. If this god thingy existed, there wouldn't be a fight, there would be an announcement: 'from this day forward, the devil is no more'. We call that omnipotence, Stoopid] Please sign your name at the bottom if you love God! [So there's an easy out for me] Only sign it if you mean it. Satan hates nothing worse than when we exhault the Lord our God! [Satan doesn't exist. Wanna talk about someone who hates it when you exalt (and what in hell is 'exhault'?!?) your deities on a public level? Me.]
Y’know what: the hell with it. Let’s talk about the Romans for a moment. The Romans were a bunch of neanderthals with swords and shields. And, according to this fable, they managed to kill this kid when he bothered them. Personally, I don’t bother with swords very often, and generally resort to things like Uzis and napalm. So ask yourself this: do you really want to get involved in a holy war against the unholy.
See, I’m not a satanist; I’m a pragmatist. I don’t tend to jump at shadows; I turn on the bloody light. Let there be light, and there’s light. By the christian measurements, that makes me a deity, apparently. Kneal before Gremlin; booga booga booga.
It’s over. It was an amusing idea back before atomic structures were discovered, but it’s outdated and sad now.
Now, let’s look at this logically for a moment. We have a very simple set of possibilities here. Either some sort of deity exists, or it doesn’t. Personally, based only on that, I’ll assume that it doesn’t. But let’s play devil’s advocate [heh] for a moment, and consider that it might. If so, then it might be a single deity, or a whole race of them. It might be a holy trinity, or it might be a single bird called Quetzalcoatl. Or, it might be something entirely else–something undocumented in modern times. There have been thousands of deities mentioned in history; not all of them are still especially vernacular.
The point is this: there are those of us who question the existences of things like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and anything regarded as a deity. And we may be wrong to question these things; these things may well exist, though empirical data suggests otherwise. But that’s not your problem. You have a larger problem: you claim to be holy and good, yet overlook the parts of your bibles that you don’t like–the bits decreed by Yeshua [Jesus Christ, for the dumb ones] like women being prohibited from teaching and having opinions and all people being prohibited from vexing [annoying and beleaguering] strangers in their lands. So, before you release your sanctimonious and uninformed attitudes against me, you might wanna make sure that your deities–real or fictitious–are okay with your practises first.
It doesn’t really matter whether your deities exist; it matters whether you break the codes you’re sworn to uphold. If you were a true JesusCrispy, you’d be required to stay the hell out of my affairs.
If, on the other hand, you’re nothing more than a frightened little geek trying to get me to tell you that it’s not all in vain, I can’t help you. I can only insult you and break your fingers.
It’s just that simple. Go away.
Of course, that’s just my opinion; ordained by me.
–Gremlin