News of the Stoopid

…like no dromaeosaur has sucked before

Monday, 20th September 1999

The ‘net [NotS]

Here’s one I’ve been putting off for far too long. So I should probably start with the backstory…
Once upon a time, this idiot showed up on the ‘net. That’s not news; a lot of idiots have shown up on the ‘net. But this guy was special. Yutz the Raptor.
Apparently an alien sent to Earth to misspell things at us, Yutz soon found his way to the message board here at gremlin.net
Typically, he waits for a post to be entered to the board before bothering us with his…insights. Then, he replies to the more rational posts with the most brainless, unfounded, misspelled assertions he can. Granted, that presumes that he could be less goofy; though there’s been no evidence of that to date.

As a Jew, my mandatory Chrstian site would say that my whole theme has been blown to smitherins by the evil alien forces of the FCC, forcing me to put up this ridiculous, non scifi section. Any non sci fi christian fans should really become Jewish, if you ask me. Any Sci Fi Christians shoudlr eally become Jewish, if you ask me. And nobodyc an compain, cause it’s just ym opinion,a s stated. Plsu, I’ll sue for forcing there reliigon on me, and the mentla anguish form breaking my site’s sci fi theme. Can yo say fame and Ca-Ching? I knew that you could. 1

The example above is one of the ubiquitous instances of Yutz mentioning his nationality. While no one has ever managed to care about his self-proclaimed nationality or religion, he tends to create strawmen who consider him inferior for being jewish.

Just let me know in a nice, friednly, flameless, amture, reasonable,a nd rational post that you’re ready to surrender and thus end your preciosu little war. IS it as fun for you as it is for me, you polysyllablic moron? elt me knwo when you fianlly grok the nuance sbehind the bog words you sophisticaedly memorized. For until you agree toc all it off, you’ll recieve mroe fo what you think you wnat, but don’t relalydesire. we all knwo you wnat a flame war to forever rage on these boards, just not against you. Funny how you neve rknow how your mornic naziscummish ideas will backfire, big time, huh Lahaooosaher? But that’s the interestign thing about you. You’re a balsted, slag sputing simian simpleton, but at elats we knwo where you stand. As a trouble making moron. How foolish you truel are, you stinking Pred. WHy not just tkae your vrla self out fo here, and go infect anothe rbaord where they like your sophisticated, moronic kind 2

Here we see that anyone who doesn’t happen to appreciate his idiotic ramblings automatically becomes an inferior nazi who hates all jews. But it gets even dumber, once we learn that Yutz isn’t actually from the planet of Earth…

YOU FUCKING MORON! E-MAIL GREMLIN@GREMLIN.NET AND ASK HIM TO DEFINE IGNORING FOR YOU (mUST WAIT UNTIL EH CHEKCS E-MAIL FIRST MORONIC LITTLE SAPE!) THEN ASK YOUR MOMMY THE SAME THING, SINCE YOU WON’T BELIEVE GREMLIN’S RESPONSE.NEXT, THINKA BOTUT HE DEFINITION INTERMS OF ME, YOU, AND IMP. nOW, SICNE YOU’R ELSOT, LET ME HELP YOU OUT. yOUA RE A COMPLETE AND MORONIC LITTLE SAPE, WHO HAS TO ASK HELP JUST TO BECOME A PRIMITIVE EARTHER DUMMY BOY. I CNA’T READ YOU RPOST, AS YOU LIED RIGHT AT THE START. TKAING INTO ACCOUNT YOUR IDIOCY, I KNOW ALL INFO IS WRONG, A LIE, AND BOTH! EREGO, WHY BOTHER TO READ USELESS FACTS? E-MAIL GREMLIN@GREMLIN.NET TO EXPLAIN THIS SUBJECT TO YOU. THEN ASK YOUR MOMMY TO RECONFIRM HIS RESPONSE AGAIN. THEN STOP EATING YUOR MOMMY. SHE DOESN’T LIEK IT, NOR WILL SHE GIVE YOU ANY BLOW JOBS. DUH! PS. I’M SUING YOU FOR BEING SUCH AN INSENSITIVE JERK! SEE FINAL EPISODE OF SIENFELD FOR LEGAL REFERENCES. YOU KNOW THE ONE THAT SOEM PEOPEL PURPOSEY DISTRUPTED THE ORIGINAL AIRING IN NY! TROZ! 3

Who knew you could get legal advise from a sitcom…
What’s really funny here is that Yutz seems to have noticed the rules of the board, which include EMailing the webmaster if a flamewar begins. Ironically, Yutz has never EMailed me to mention one, and simply flames everyone on the damned board, creating the real problem.
That, of course, was in response to a very clever post by The Host:

Utahraptor:
I’m sorry to say what I’m about to say. It’s immature, and I despise immaturity. It’s insulting, and I try to refrain from insults. It makes me sound like a jerk, and I don’t think I am. It makes me sound like a hypocrite, and I hope that I’m not. But it is not unfounded. I think it is something that needs to be said, by me. It’s something that’s been said by others, because they are angry, or it is simply a part of their debating style or personality to say such things. Not mine. It makes me sound like I’m angry, and I’m not. I’m actually quite sorry to have to say this, but I do.
Utahraptor:
You’re an idiot.
A bloody fool, a drooling moron, a most unfortunate imbecile. You are an asinine ignoramus. [That means dummy -- sorry, my polysyllabilism just keeps creeping up.]
There. I said it. Now, please, before responding with insults (I suspect you will anyway — or else ignore this, which would perhaps be worse), allow me to expand. Allow me to justify. Though blind to your own stupidity, it will at least prove to those with open minds and eyes that I do not make a mindless assertion. I make a calculated, logical conclusion. That conclusion, again:
You’re a flipping dumbass.
I suspect you perhaps lie about your age. No, strike that. I hope that you lie about your age. Because if you are over twenty, and if you are in university, it is a sad testament to the state of the American nation. Makes me a little more proud to be Canadian — at least our education system (and resultant average IQ) is considerably better than that of our southern neighbor.
You have absolutely no comprehension of the word logic. Logic, Utahraptor, is a useful device in debate. It has nothing to do with evidence, and thus can apply to any concept, even those unproved or purely philosophical — even the alien debate.
Logic indicates, simply, that your arguments make sense. It shows that there is a structure behind them, and inner structure, a reason you have come to a conclusion. Without logic, any argument is simply an assertion: something not only unprovable, but completely unsupported by evidence, or even common sense. To say that my computer houses the spirit of A 14,000–year-old wookie named George, for example, would be an assertion. To say that aliens live and visit the earth, also, is an assertion. It is as ludicrous and unbelievable as the existence of my hairy friend George. Perhaps, blinded by your fervent adherence to X-Files paranoia, you are unaware of the parallel between my example and your assertion. You probably don’t realize why your entire argument about aliens is completely invalid, simply because you seem to intuit knowledge that is withheld from the rest of us poor saps.
I’m not saying aliens don’t exist. I think they do. I’m not even saying they don’t visit the earth every so often — I personally don’t believe in the little green men (oh, I mean ‘grey;’ sorry to stereotype your race) hovering over Las Vegas in giant hubcaps, but, hey, I’ve got an open mind.
However, you offer no evidence. You put forth no logic. You don’t even point out the fact that common sense would dictate that aliens exist out there somewhere. You simply state, simply, that they exist, and assume we will all believe you simply because what you say goes.
But I am being redundant. Imp already challenged you to bring forth evidence; take him up on his offer. If you don’t wish to, then at least take me up on my perhaps lighter challenge: at least try to show some logic in your argument. Tell us why you think aliens exist, and please don’t say you believe it because of what you saw last night on Fox’s ‘World’s Scariest Anal Probings Caught On Tape 4.’
I have always suspected you of being a simple bandwagoner. You believe in aliens because they’re cool; because there are lots of websites about them, because the X-Files is such a rocking show, because that little alien keychain your aunt picked up in Roswell is just so damned cute. Please, I beg you, prove me wrong. Respond with a clear, concise, logical argument about the existence of aliens, and one you have believe yourself, not one you pull from some webpage because I asked you to find one. Pretend I’m a skeptic. Convince me.
When it comes to your idea about saving the financial crisis in the year 2000 by creating paper records: please, concede that argument. A person who is mature will understand when he is wrong, and will graciously step down. Trust us, you are wrong. Very, very wrong. Your idea is, to be blunt, moronic. Actually, Imp didn’t even begin to realize just how stoopid it was. I believe he once stated that you should try to understand a post before you reply: that is the case here.
First of all, your solution is ludicrous. Do you know how long it would take to transfer all bank files to hard copy? I’m not going to even begin to guess. Probably several months. During that time, they would have to hire several thousands of new employees. They would have to shut their doors and simply not serve the public — all tellers, managers, investors, planners, hell, even maintenance people for ATMs would have to work on transferring files to paper. Before doing this, they would have to drain all bank accounts, giving people their money back, demanding that all loans be immediately paid back. In order to do that, as most money is stored electronically nowadays, the American government would have to mint trillions of dollars for the banks to give their customers. You obviously know nothing of economics, and the laws of supply and demand (more on that later), but suffice it to say the American dollar’s value would likely drop by at least 85-90%, probably more. You’d have to pay $40 for a Mars bar. Meanwhile, thousands of businesses currently working in the red (probably close to half of America’s industries are in such a state) would go bankrupt when they have to return all borrowed funds to the banks. Dependent industries would also shut down, or have to lay off employees, when they find that the supply for, say, plastic has dropped by 70% because of mass bankruptcies. This, coupled with the faltering American dollar, would cause the price of most raw resources to increase tenfold — at least. That would result in more bankruptcies, and even higher prices. Suddenly it costs $400 for a Mars bar, and nobody in your family has a job. You can’t even sell your house because nobody can afford it. The stock market crashes, propagating more industries to shut down. America’s unemployment rate climbs to 95%. Foreign trade ceases, as nobody wants to invest in a worthless dollar or near-bankrupt corporations. There is looting everywhere, and violent crime rates rise so high that it is unsafe to leave your house. The power company stops running because it can’t afford gas or oil or maintenance on its generators. The phone company closes because it has no staff, and nobody can pay their phone bills anyway. A state of emergency is declared across the nation, and suddenly you find that your rights to freedom of speech and assembly and all of those other precious vices of the constitution have been severely limited.
But who cares, it’ll only last a few months; no big crisis there.
Secondly, you didn’t even understand Jurassosaur’s conclusion. You had no idea what he was talking about. Because, if he’s right (personally, I feel that the problem he predicts will not be as great or widespread as it could be, but I tend to agree that it is very, very likely), it doesn’t matter whether Y2K exists or not: we’re in deep trouble. There undoubtedly will be a recession because of Y2K; how deep a recession (or depression) I am unable to say. But it could be bad. Very bad.
Jurassosaur said that economics is based upon expectation. He’s right. Quick lesson in economics, Utah (it’s obvious that you either a) did not take high school economics, or a related course at university level or b) you are a total fucking idiot): the stock market is dictated by confidence and predictions. Ever hear of a self-fulfilling prophecy? It is a prediction which comes true, simply because it was predicted. The stock market’s full of ‘em.
Here’s how it works: a corporation issues shares in its companies to investors and the public. This essentially means that people fund the company’s endeavors, and in return get a say in how a company is managed. If a company issues, hypothetically, 100 shares (usually the number would be substantially higher) at ten dollars, then each share constitutes 1% of the corporation. For ten dollars you buy a share, and own 1% of the company. In certain issues of great importance, you get a single vote with that share — one out of a hundred. Those who own the most shares are on the board of directors; they basically make the important decisions as to how the company runs.
Of course, things can be vastly more complicated, but I’m trying to work at your basic level of comprehension here. God, I hope you can understand this Utah. I don’t think I can explain it in simpler terms.
Now, a stock’s price rapidly changes. Why? Not because of the value of the company, not because of its profitability (though those are significant factors): no, it changes with the number of stocks owned.
Think of it this way. The fewer copies there are of an item, the more that item is worth, correct? If you’ve got one of 30 million Roger Clements baseball cards, it’s pretty worthless. If you own one of only twelve remaining Mickey Mantle rookie cards, it’s probably worth a little more.
Same thing goes for the stock market. If, say 94 of a company’s 100 stocks are open, then only 6 actually exist and are for sale. There are only 6 in the public domain. This means they are worth a lot of money, because they are hard to come by. It shows that investors have great confidence in said company, because they’re buying stock very quickly. The company is doing well. The $10 stock is suddenly worth about $40, which means if you invested $30, you now have $120. You’re much richer. It means more people will buy stock, more people will give the company money, allowing it to grow, become richer. The company is in a boom.
People are paranoid, though. (See, you’re not alone, Utah.) If people think that, for some reason or another, a stock’s value is going to decrease, they sell their shares at the high price — raking in big bucks, and, they think, just missing a loss of money. Others see this happening, and sell their stock as quickly as possible, so as not to lose money. Then others, then others, then still others do the same. Now suddenly only 13 people own stocks; the other 87 are up for sale. The value of the stock, of course, goes down. Why? Because somebody thought it would. Then, with less money to work with, the company’s profits go down. Eventually, it’s value seems so low, that it can’t go any lower. Don’t forget to buy low, sell high; this looks like a great time to buy. People buy back stock, and the company’s stock value again increases.
This happens weekly on the stock market with particular companies. Monthly with entire industries. And you see the same cycle repeat for the entire economy every eight years or so: four years of boom followed by four years of recession.
Why? Again, expectations, predictions. People see that four years of boom have gone by, think a depression will come soon, and sell stocks before it’s too late: causing a recession. And so on.
So, what does this have to do with Y2K? It’s simple, really: there are a lot of idiots who think all of the computers are gonna crash on 01/01/00. They fear that bank’s computers will crash and, because most money nowadays is stored electronically, they’ll lose all of their money. People are afraid the stock market will crash — or at least it’s computers — and, because most money nowadays is stored electronically, they’ll lose all of their money. So they withdraw money from accounts, they sell their stocks.
Money works the same way as stocks. The more paper money there is in existence, the less it’s worth. Because most money nowadays is stored electronically, when people sell stocks and completely drain their bank accounts, an awful lot of paper money will have to be minted. It’s value will greatly decrease. The effects of this I’ve mentioned before: though they won’t be as great as if the banks were to close their doors for several days, you could expect prices to rise quite quickly. You could expect, as a result, several businesses and companies to close down, or to lay people off. Everything’s connected in the economy, like a spider web; as one strand or firm is pulled away, others destabilize.
At the same time, the value of stocks will plummet. Still more companies go bankrupt. They can’t pay back their loans: so the banks increase interest rates on loans, and suddenly Johnny can’t build a house.
Okay, so not everybody is stoopid. Maybe only 5 or 10% of the population with withdraw money and sell stocks. Well, as I said before, investors are greedy. They don’t care how their actions affect the entire economy, they just want their money. Investors wise enough to know that Y2K won’t actually cause sweeping crashes, those wise enough to realize that their money won’t cease to exist on 01/01/00, are also wise enough to realize that thousands of idiots are going to produce a recession due to their own paranoid stoopidity and ignorance. Investors want no part of that. They’re gonna withdraw their fund in late December.
Unless something really changes before the end of the year — say, for example, Europe explodes in a giant fireball — you can expect a stock market crash to occur later this annum. It ain’t gonna be pretty. It will be the great Y2K disaster. And it could, perhaps, be worse than what we’ve dared ourselves to imagine.
But probably not.
Anyway, Utah, you obviously knew nothing of economics. I hope you do now, or I’ve just wasted the last 30 minutes. You made bold accusations about aliens without explanation. You’ve done it before. You’ll probably do it again.
So far, though, this has been argument by example. Just to clear something up: this is not an isolated incident. Your stoopidity spans many posts.
You are most certainly a bandwagoner. You’re a hypocrite, Utah; you accuse others of misunderstanding (maybe if you typed using all of your brain, both of your eyes, and at least a few of your fingers, that would cease to be a problem) and acting immaturely: I am telling you now to look in a proverbial mirror and read over your own posts. Please try not to be blind of your own immaturity. Be not ignorant of your own ignorance.
You are incredibly immature. I will admit that Imp sometimes flies off the handle, but, then again, so do you. At least he recognizes his temper, unlike yourself. And there’s the fact that when the two of you argue, well, he’s generally right.
You tend to respond to even his non-threatening posts in a threatening way. I don’t think Imp hates you, he seems more coldly amused by your ignorant stoopidity. You, on the other hand, seem to deeply hate him. You can’t understand how anybody could be calling you or your arguments stoopid without trying to insult you personally; you cannot comprehend how the word ‘idiot’ can be more an observation than an attempt to proactively lessen your self-esteem, and other associated buzz-words.
My advice to you: grow up. Try to realize that people have different ways of expressing opinions; methods as varied as the opinions themselves. Try to type slow enough that your posts don’t have to be put through an English-Utah translator before being read. Read others’ posts before respond, and more importantly think before you make an ass out of yourself. At least that way you can say you’ve tried.
And, above all else, please understand: if you associate yourself with the intelligent, and claim to be intelligent yourself, expect your ideas and opinions to be tested. Expect others to disagree and, beyond that, to ask for explanation of your own opinions. If you are going to argue, expect somebody to argue back, and don’t be offended when they do.
Essentially:
If you associate yourself with the intelligent, and claim to be intelligent yourself, you’d better have evidence of this intelligence. Otherwise, it is a simple assertion: something not only unprovable, but completely unsupported by evidence, or even common sense.
-The Host
[I hope you have the endurance to read all of this, Utahraptor. I hope you have the vocabulary to at least pretend you understand it. And I hope you have the balls to respond to it. Be warned: like Imp, I am prepared to attack blatant stoopidity, so you'd better think before you type. And use a damned spell-check.]

…which impressed me as a News of the Stoopid on its own, which is one of the reasons I wanted to include it in here.
Of course, Host isn’t the only one to have told Yutz how dumb he is. There have been other attempts at getting the point across…

How is it they never drowned you as a baby?
1) You said this isn’t my board. Very good, you figured that out.
2) You figured out that you can post whatever you please. Great. Same goes for myself.

You are an idiot.

3) You thought it through and came up with the fact that no one forces me to read your posts. Astounding! You are capable of some thought. Alas, the same applies to you concerning my posts.
You don’t have to read anything I post.
4) You pointed out that I made some errors in my typing. All well and good, except for the part where I stated I was extremely drunk while I was posting. What reason do you have for your lack of basic typing skills?
5) You called me a Nazi. Escuse me??? I don’t believe I’ve ever plotted world domination, mass genocide, or inferred that persons not of my race are inferior.
I, also, do not edit/delete/change posts because the are contrary to what the regime dictacts is acceptable. I refer to your message board.
6) You demand civility, intelligence, and coherency…. Yet you abide by none of these when you post.
7) You look down upon the populace from your self appointed perch, in your bedroom. You write about the idiocy of others. You question the intelligence of all those you interact with. Yet, all the while you blather on like the fools you hold in contempt.
8) How can you view yourself as a rational, smart, logical person when you respond in a highly irrational, illogical, and ignorant manner to an insult?
9) Which brings us to the whole Mother thing….. Get a life. This is the only response I have to all of that childish behavior.
10) Aliens… Sure thing there Agent Moulder. Do I believe something is out there? Why yes I do. Why then do I make fun of your claims? Because I find you to be a trifle fanatical about this issue, and like most fanatics you have little in the way on concrete proof. Please, spare me the whole “Where did my computer come from then?” That is like Gremlin’s Christians saying “Where did life come from if not from God and Christ?”
Try resisting the urge to post to all the threads this time around.
Again, I have given you what you asked for, but can not yourself produce.

~~Don’t worry. It’s only life. We all get through it.~~
The Imp

About his religious views, no one has the slightest idea what Yutz really thinks. It’s possible that he only claims to be a jew because ‘jew’ is easy to spell. Theologicaly, he’s a bit unusual:

I liked the one about how universe pop into and out fo existance through anturla alws of science (whichever) and last emre seconds, while the occupants experience billions fo years. Course, that theory provides for how GOd cna be all powerful and all knowing (which He ain’t.) Due tot he bubble stuff, anyoen existign otuside the bubble will simultaneously live int eh past present and future. WHich expalisn God’s super brain. PLus, if God leave shis bubble,a nd either ahs the power to, ro gaisnt he power to directly efefct our bubble universe, that explains how He works. Plus, I think He’s in a space suit fos oemsorts, cause I doubt H cna survive int eh palce where Universes exist.4

We’re not sure which sitcom first proposed the theory of the Bubble Stuff…
Here’s a newer one. I went ahead and replied to Yutz, answering his brainless questions. Oddly, though he must have read this, he never replied to it:

(If You’re All So Smart, Why Am I Still Here! AKA Expanding On The Post Gremlin Didn’t Want You To See!)

Paranoia again. How refreshing…

If you did have any discernable intelligence, then by April you would have realized what it would take to get me to leave.

Assertion. Intelligence isn’t measured by one’s ability to figure out how to get an idiot to give up

But nope. None of you ever figured it out. Because I’m still here.

Assertion again. Because you have nothing better to do, no one is intelligent.

Yet still you try to use the same failed methods again and again.

Assumption. You’re assuming that the sole purpose of this board is to try to get rid of you.

And why not?

Begging the question.

1) You think they’ll work.

Assertion. You’re not qualified to ascertain what we think.

So of course they will.

Invalid argument.

2)If they don’t work the 100th time, then surely by the 1,000th time they will.

Strawman.

That’s simple logic. It has to be. Lisa Simpson knew that theory too.

Here we see that Yutz is still getting his ‘facts’ from sitcoms.

Course, the diff is, she knew it “might” work, not will. And she’s right, because it won’t.

The brainlessness of this statement defies correction.

Course, other indications of lakc of cognitive capabiltiies is the simple fact that you can’t think.

Alarmingly, this statement is true. However, the fact has been proved false.

You all listen to Gremlin, and blindly follow your false idol’s thinking.

False idol? Who accused me of being a deity? For that matter, ‘true idol’ would be an oxymoron.

You cna’t accept any othe rveiwpoints, only because you feel they make your own views wrong, and think, moronically so, that thta make syou stupid.

Assertion. Strawman. Ad nauseum. You really suck at this, don’t you…

Nope. That makes you human.

And all this time, we’d assumed that was more of a genetic result.

Your stupidaphobia makes you stupid.

Please define ‘stupidaphobia’, including sources in Latin.

Hence your inability to psot anyhting inteleligent, isniteful, or erudite (the word Gremlin doens’t even know.)

Assertion. Invalid argument. And, regarding ‘erudite’: it’s an adjective decribing that which displays erudition, where erudition is ‘a fall from ignorance’. Something I’ve known since 1973, for those playing along at home.

You complain about ym spelling, once again thinking thta’ll chaneg thigns,

The irony of this statement is laughable.

and yet none fo you who complain ahs ever been abale to sue punctuation right (see Gremlin’s mad libs for examples,

Here we understand precisely how dumb Yutz really is. Read Johnny Got His Gun [Dalton Trumbo] to determine whose punctuation is missing.

or Doof’s pathetic reply to my punctuation reply.

More irony: ERROR–MISSING ‘)’ AFTER ‘(‘

Course, hsi lakc of brain activity is evident in both his actually beliveing that Star Wars Missing Scenes was real, and in hiscontunual misuse of the name, yutz (and that got poor Sunshine to misuse it too.)

Who thought the missing scene was real? The only confusion I saw regarding that was that you’d thought Vigo had written it.

But he’s right on one thing. I don’t use any brain activity with you’al lhere.

Tempting though this may be to believe, it’s actually incorrect. Yutz uses his brain, though not very wisely.

Why should I?

Because, otherwise, it makes you look like an idiot.

None of you ever do (Except the Dan’s Board crossovers.)

Here we see Yutz setting up to disappear from this board, but remain at Dan’s. He’s just bright enough to avoid alienating those whom he might meet again…

So why should I bother using intelligence wiht people who lack the cranial capacity to grok alpha uno of what I say?

Here’s an amazingly dumb question. But if you really want an answer…

1. Crainial capacity has nothing to do with intelligence; everyone’s cranial capacity is approximately equal
2. grok is undefined; alpha is Greek; uno is Spanish; you are an idiot
3. To directly answer the question: no idea. We’ve tried using intelligence with you, though it only results in your I-know-you-are-but-what-am-I retorts.

If you use your negatove infinity IQ’s all the time, why expect anyoen to show you up?

Again: negative IQs are mathematicaly impossible; negative infinity IQs doubly so.

Foolish really. And to think, you guys actualyl bought that the board mysteriously crashed after all thsi tiem. Right. Well ti did. Right afetr Gremlindelted the whole thign so you wouldn’t see the truth I posted.

More paranoia. If you really want to know, it was my fault that the board crashed–I posted something with too much coding, and it confused the script. If I’d intentionally removed your idiotic post, I’d have done it much sooner [like, before replying to it] and without destroying the board.

Becasue he would lsoe hsi precious follower then.

If I really have any followers, which I doubt, then, yeah, they’re probably dumb enough to stop following just because you post these brainless things.

bUt ey, those who live byt he flame, delte thier boar dby the flame.

Um…that may be the dumbest slant I’ve ever read.

Gremmy, you really shoudla updated the rules. Open Topic died yeras ago. It’s Onyl What I, Gremlin The Great Diety Think.

What a kooky idea. Yes…it just might work. I’ll call it News of the Stoopid. Idiot: an interactive medium like a message board prohibits oligarchal control.

and it’s not no flaming otehrs. It’s Flame Otehrs Who Dare To Disagree With Me.

No, it’s very solidly No Flaming Others. And you’re the only one who couldn’t grasp it. You seem to assume that this board is set up to protect you from flames. It’s not. If you were to have followed the rules, and EMailed me when the board in its entirety started flaming you, it might have helped. But you didn’t EMail me; you just flamed back, claiming amnesty because you think you’re above the rules. Meanwhile, the rest of the board EMailed, ICQd, or caught me IRL to complain about you. You did it wrong; not them.

Shame you couldn’t even ahndle ti yourself.

Assertion. Anyone would know better. I was giving you far too many second chances, because it’s evident that you’re not in control of your actions.

You send your stooge sout to do ti for you, and poorly too.

Wrong. Initially, I discouraged it; eventually I allowed for it.

Doof sits there making stupid comments,

I’ll assume this is Imp. His comments have never impressed me as stupid. Satirical, maybe, but not stupid.

sIMPleton tries valeintly to set a flame trap that’s so obvious,a dn lies about his lies. Firts he says one thing (really a lie), then lies about ever saying it. Host Teh Hoser can’t even stand missing out on one, and overdoes eveyrhtign to compensate.

This again. Host wasn’t lying. Host was extending his opinion that you’re an idiot. The rest of us tend to agree.

and yes Hoser, no Americna cares about canadians or others.

Assertion. Some Americans probably do. Especially the ones using the electricity imported from Canada. And since when are you American? You keep going on about being Israeli. Or, you’re an American of jewish religion who doesn’t know dick about judaism.

if we ahve a school shooting, the enxt shootign we care abotu si by u. Even if it’s 1 year alter, and you guys had 365 shootings, we’d still say one eyar afetr such and such a shooting.

What in hell are you going on about now? You know: paragraphs are part of punctuation…

Why? because Americnas are slef centered egotists.

Okay, I’ll agree with that.

Hence the failure ofsunshine to udnertsand it.

But the logic was not to last…

The US ARmy ain’t magically protecte dby God for being one nation under Him (A stolen oen, mind you),

You’re so dumb it hurts.

1. The American army isn’t a nation; it’s a corporation
2. Neither god nor him should be capitalised; god is a vocation, him is a pronoun
3. This sentence suggests that either the nation or the army was stolen from this god of yours, which goes against your idiotic faith.

nor cna the US Army ebat all inavders. Nam showed us thta one.

Viet Nam never invaded America, idiot.

And try to eb roigianl enxt tiem Sunshine. We all knwo we always catch you ina fucking good mood. when ain’t ya?

It’s called sarcasm. We have that here on Earth. What planet are you from, anyway?

All you cna do is xerox stuf fbakc at me. other people’s thigns.

Assertion. No proof required.

One up from grmmy. I say sIMPleton uses a thesaurus, you say I do (and so doe sSunshine no less, being oh so original again.)

Based on the evidence.

Yous ay what others ahev said, thens ay Im the oen Xeroxing your stuff. right.

Again we have groundless assertions from the idiot.

Hey dumb dumb, Naziscums are’t always balsting eveyr Jew they can. hence why you cna be “nice” to Dan (Like you ever talk much, jsut intentionally forget hsi B-Day), and still eb against other Jews.

You are truly retarded, aren’t you. So the assertion here is that you can be a nazi if you dislike one American who claims to be jewish. Who knew…

And rememebr, I said sIMPleton was. Not you. He and only he cna defend himself. BY you’re doing it, you prove me mroe right.

Huh? I defend logic. Not people. And defending against your idiotic assertions is overkill.

And BTW, it’s stupid, not stoopid.

More irony. And ad nauseum. And you’re an idiot.

Tire not tyre,

You’ll want to look that up. It’s tyre. You Americans are incapable of English. You speak, and spell, American. Leave English to the professionals.

a nd trust em, Amigas arne’t God’s gift to computers,

Again with this god of yours. You’re really very silly.

or they’d be big. Only a grade A Moron woudl think otherwise.

Like people in the UK, Germany, and most of Europe, where computers have always been more advanced than here in the colonies.

But what do you know?

Don’t make me write all that.

You created the Good Guys/Bad Guys List.

And then abandoned it when people like you misunderstood it.

You amde Alan1 post more and mroe negatively, creating an even bigger monster.

If you knew what you were talking about, you’d see how funny that really is.

Then when you failed to stop him wiht your moronic GB/BG List, it abckfired. he jsut sue dit to becoem mroe insidious.

Look up insidious. Insidiousness suggests intelligence. Alan1 was underqualified.

So you’ve been trying to recreate that battle ehr,e so yuo cna properly save the day with your precious no more Papa Smurf says posts.

Is that an assertion or a strawman? The hell with it: you’re an idiot.

That’s right gang. gremmy ehre ahs been tyring to ruin your fun her ewith flame wars. Why else does it ahppene evry motnh?

Why else indeed…

Why else doe shsi friends casue one eveyr free chance they get?

When? Where? Look at the boards, idiot. Youre the one causing these things.

Hence his posts to Sunshine. And thta;s why he delted the baord. So you allw ouldn’t learn his dirty little secret.

Again with the unfounded paranoia. And what secrets were deleted? The old boards still exist, dummy.

So much for your Diety, Grelinites.

Ah yes, the grelinites. Overthrown by the babylonians. Fuck you’re dumb.

So, now you must delet the baord again, befor peopel see this, and don’t fidn tistrange that you delte onyl soem posts.

Why? Much more entertaining to expose your idiocy. Though I suppose I could just ban your ISP…

Afetr all, you knew I’d psot again if you jsut delted mine.

I didn’t delete your post. That was the American government, working with the alien influence who built your computer. Go back to your home planet, idiot.

Liek is aid, if you’re so smart, why didn’t you reply witht he oen simple thign that woudl ahev avoided allt he trouble?

Humour us. What one thing would have avoided your mindlessness.

becasue you’re an idiot trying to recreate the Greta Alan1 Falemwars.

Yeah. We all have such fond memories of finding a dozen new posts every day, all misspelling the same damned thing.

Good lcuk. You need soemoen equally as dumba s you to do so, sot hey paly your reindeer agmes.

Games? Like this ‘one thing’ that would get you to leave on your own? That sort of game?

Try sIMPleton. or Mephisacorena. he even psots under diff names,

She. Not he. Try to know what you’re talking about. Yes, you got beat up by a girl…

then gets uoset when Jurassosaur says he’s the smae guy. Sur,e he did get hsi friends to join him, once his little secret was out, but by then it was too late.

This is one of the reasons I’m not publishing anything you’d write. Your stories are misspelled, boring, and antilogical.

You wnat to avoid the flames (wink wink),

Nudge, nudge…

then jsut let Doof, Sunshine, Mephestos, wyvern, sIMPleton, and Hoser post.

So far, I’ve let everyone post. So far.

Thenyou cna flame eahc other till yuor heart’s content.

Thanks for your permission, idiot.

Because your password protection is so easy to break. and so amny LK1ers will do so, ocne youflame them and abn them for nto psoting abotu your gretaness, but actually ahving the gawl to post any topic they want, whcih justso happens to disagree with your views.

Funny you should bring that up. I just fixed the guestbook over at facecage.com so that couldn’t happen. At the request of the investors. Personally, I don’t really care. Something I learned from Dan, actually, who told me he didn’t worry much about banning people, because the people on his board generally scared flamers away. But fear is a sign of intelligence.

Lieks tupid instea dof stoopid. I atleats knwo the right spelling, I justcna’t put them right.

No fair. Nothing I can say to that makes you look any dumber.

Youc a’t even spell.

Again, you’ve made yourself look as dumb as possible.

And mac, typing can neve rbe the msot simplest basic function oft hinking. Typing came afetr writing, DUH!

So once Yutz learns to write, we can expect him to move on to typing…

All the Gremlinite’s precious genius prowesses have rendered you unable to discern patetrns. Or you’d ahve been rid of me in April, when I woulda left of my own free will foc oruse.

This again. Never too late…

But don’t worry, not too many peopel will psot ehre, ocne word gets aorund how unless you follwo Gremmy’s thinking, you’ll eb flamed and banned.

Banned from where?

Banne d becasue Gremmy an’t beta you.

Why would I want to beat Mac? I see him all the time. We get on just fine.

So he has to cheta and ban and delete the whole board to pretend it neve rhappened.

This whole post relies on your assumption that the board crashed because your post failed to impress me, doesn’t it…

Soon nobody will b ehre. Becaus eunliek Gremlin, nobody likes flames.

I doubt that. If flames could scare people away, you’d have gotten rid of them all a long time ago.

a nd evry few will join him in his unintelligent crusade (TROZ!)

So ‘troz’ is what you use to signify that your assertions fail to make the least bit of sense?

And why shoudlt hey? Gremmy won’t accept anyhting he doens’t understand as having any menaing.

Not really, no.

They’re alal emnaignless. Just ike him. His computers break, the site becoems unaccessible, he’s force dto endure differing veiw poitns,a ll ebcasue of Karama. he ahs abd Karama, and so he egts what eh deserves.

Karma. Not karama. And empirical data suggests that there’s no such thing as either of them. And when did you become budhist? An American budhist is not jewish.

Oops, more reaosns to delete thsi baord.

Okay.

Maybe if you bothered to blow the smoke away from yuor eyes, you’d see people coem ehre to alugh at your stupid “An Idiot morons ersi way into the restaurant I’m in, make sme feels tupid,s o I string a bunch fo polysybbalic word sI elanred from http://www.thesaurus.com and http://www.dictionary.com togetehr and make them leave, then go elanr new ones.”

You might try www.w-w.com. Less opportunity for typos in the URL.

Yeah, that worked so wlel no me. Ally uo did was prove how brainless youreally are. IQ=negative infinity plus one.

We’ve been over this. You’re an idiot.

SO predictable with your, DUH, what’s your IQ Utahrapotr? I was waiting for that sicne you first replied. I’d tell yuo, but you cna’t handle anyhting bove 0, let alone triple digits.

Read: Yutz has never actually been tested.

The mroe polysyllabic words you sue,t he dumber you are, ebcuase theya re emaningless.

Um…you’re getting way too dumb to reply to.

Inetlligenc eis neve rvabotu a good vocabularly. Allt hat si is memorizing, which mentlaly challenged peopelc na do.

Wrong. Intelligence is measured by the ability to learn. For example, learning and using words correctly. And downsizing the output by using the least number of words. Which includes using words like ‘penultimate’ over terms like ‘second to last’.

The SAT’s requrie maths kills too (faied with Ictillion, rememebr, no of couse not.)

Actually, no. I never took an SAT. I went to college at fifteen.

Time tod elet the baord again. s oemoen migth read htis.

Don’t worry. No one will bother restructuring your letters into real words.

So you cna tell ally uor imagianry e-mailers thta the stupid posts I rpely to you gusy will end when you stop posting themt o me.

Okay: the stupid posts Yutz rpely to you gusy will end when you stop posting themt o him.

And if you relaly wanna knwo how bad smoking si, take a puff and blow it on a napkin.

Yeah. We went over that in PreMed.

Oops. Too manys teps. Now you cna’t do it, it’s too complciated.

Like typing.

Well, don’t worry Gremmy, I have jsut what you need.

A spellcheck?

I need an idot to confirmt hat egtting clasic Playstation agmes for $19.95 is a good deal.

If i run across one, I’ll send him to you.

be a dear and tell me.

Again? Okay: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Thanks.

Anytime.

And Sunshine, if you really want peopel tos top telling you how to live your life, tellt hem nto too. don’t whine about ti ehre,a nd threaten peopel you’ll enev rmeet. Threatent he rela people. That’s what works.

Apparently Yutz isn’t real.

and yes Gremmy, people ahve bothere dot prove aliens exist.

Wrong. They’ve asserted. There has been no proof.

heck,t he aliens ahev bothered to prove they exst.

You don’t count as an alien. You’re an emotionally retarded idiot.

Virtually everybody belives in aliens, especially macro aliens.

Macro aliens believe in aliens?

Veyr few think Erath is the only inhabitable palnet. SOme don’t think aliens have ever been ehre, but still, they believe int hem, somehwere.

Right. There’s zero proof that they’ve been here, and empirical data suggests that they haven’t. Logic suggests that they haven’t. Factoring that you’re merely an emotionally retarded American budhist, and not an alien judist, our best hope for proving alien intervention has been dashed.

Now, try againa nd use probability to prove conclusively they don’t exist. Tell su all abotu how most lifeis mcrolife, and the chance sof macro life gainign spacefaringt echnology, elt aloen come here (or even team up), si so high. Yup, high, but possible. Probable is diff form possible. It’s possible to wint eh GRand prize of the Lotto every tiem you paly, but not probable (barring ebign banned form it by the peeps in charge.)

You’re learning. Alien visitors are possible, but not probable, and not proven.

Big difference. And yet strangely enough, allt hat high probability came to apss. Gee, amybe only an idiot thinks Earth represents all palnets wiht mostly microlife, and high probabilityequals no posisbility.

No. Probability does not equal possibility.

Didn’t you apy attenton to Douglass Admas? I ebt you don’t even knwo how 42 could eb the Answer afetr all.

Better yet, I’ve discussed it with Douglas. Forty-two is meaningless. Want his EMail address?

But hey, amybe I am wrong. mayeb there’s a betetr answer for why peopels ee aliens and spaceships allt he tiem.

Paranoid schizophrenia, misunderstanding of reality, and other characteristics of Yutz the Raptor.

So tell us, oh greta and genius Gremlin, jsut what si the rela deal?

Again, I don’t have tme to write all that down.

why are peopel convicned they were abducted?

Usually because they want to believe in something better than they have. I’d explain the psychology, but you wouldn’t get it.

Not including the answers alreayd given. Peopel naturlaly becoem apralyze dins leep. Alien abductions are surpressed memorie sof sexual abuse as a child. Afetrall, nto eveyrone was abused or paralyze dnaturally. And what’s with allt he implants? Why starnge little metal of unknown oriign?

What strange little metal of unknown origin? What in hell are you on about now?

I’m nto asking yuo to prove aliens don’t exist,

Since the burden of proof is on the accusor, and all.

I’m asking yuo to prove why peple who ahev sucessfully proven aliens do exist are wrong.

I’ve never seen anyone who proved that aliens exist.

So amnyc an’t eb wrong.

That’s what they said when the first guy proposed that the Earth wasn’t flat.

They don’t coem ehre.

I’d noticed.

And yes, Sunshine, i did wina few flaem wars ehre.

That’s a lie.

I won agaisnt SIMPLeton by ignroing hsi posts, despite his trying to trick em (and poorly) into replying.

You bailed out on his invitation to prove that you weren’t an idiot.

PSSSTt… Then why si he replying. Too abd I didn’t, or ti woudl ahev worke,d jealous little maroon.

Mindless assertions again.

But liek is aid, you diitos here (andnot from Dan’s Board, who ahev psoted so well at hsis ite), don’t knwo jack about beans.

Advanced marketing: Yutz will soon be appearing exclusively at Dan’s board.

No one cna even reply to thsi message with just the 4 simple words that woudl ahve casue dme to elave long ago, and vsit even les stating in July.

1. You’re
2. not
3. wanted
4. here.

And I emna a simpel *NT* message wiht thsoe 4 little words.

You are an idiot –nt– posted by Gremlin

And Sunshien, i won agaisnt eveyrbody in total by leaving here of my own free will.

It took him this long to develop free will?

Not ebcasue of anyoen else. Which siw hy I’m outta here Oct 1.

…when the password goes into effect.

So you all ahev time to think of the 4 simple word shtta woudl ahev save dyourselves so much heartache.

Or, we could fail to care.

and Hoser, good try witht he sensitvity part on anothe rboard, but you easily forget, I let the sensitivity bit poass until it is personal. whcih only proves me right, as peopel ehre have shown.

Whenever the hell that might have happened…

And yes, I really dont use my brain ehre becsue you gusy don’t.

So there; neener.

On eveyr other baord, I am with intelligent, insiteful, erudite (look it up, Gremmy) people,w ho actually prais eme for my insites and though proving psots.

You’re lying again. You can’t type at Dan’s board, either. And you can’t type at Jurassosaur’s board. And everything you attempt to prove eventually relies on a oneliner from a sitcom.

Not that they fear thinking liek peopel ehre do. So what does htta say?

That you really want reality to cater to your disease.

That this si the palce wher ethe dregs fo society go (as wella s Dan’s Board peopel,w ho are ont he lsit for inteeligence, a stheir posts there prove.)

Is this a bad time to mention that I’m from Dan’s Board?

This is the lowest fot he low, the sewer of the Net. The aplce were malcontents and ne’erdowells go to moron about their lives, convicne of their won superiority,

Scattering about in their short, pointless lives. Men in Black, 1997

follwoing the great Boob Gremlin’s religion.

I have no religion; I’m an athiest. Idiot.

Perhaps if you allr ealize that, you’ll eb ebtetroff. I emna, you coem ehre dialy, with no lvies, but then get upset when I take a few days off to live my life,a nd cna’t coem here.

Actually, we kinda like it when you take a few days off.

weird. Well, let’s see anybody sue their bg superior brains to nswer ym question. it’s soe asy. I’m not asking yuo whya rvaen is like a writing desk.

Poe wrote on both?

or if an egg sits on a roof, which side will it flal off of?

The topside?

or if a rabbit, a duck,a nd a pig go on a picnic, which hadn did theye at their soup with?

Stop anthropomorphising.

Oh no, only a simpel little quetsion? What 4 words woudl ahve bene all it took tog e tme to elave? Heck, I’ll even take synamons forthem.

Cinnamon?

r even two of the 4 words. And to help you understand the repleis this will egt, allwo em tot ranslate Gremmy and co.: Duh, Wha, Duh WHA WHA DUH Huh Wha DUH huh WHA DUH DUH.

Those were synonyms?

Yup, good old Duhhuhwha’s natural language. See a few o fyou on Dan’s baord or othe rpalces.

Ooh. A threat.

And good lcuk strainignt hat slive rof a dead brain cell pondering my riddle. Just keep thinking baout it, it’s relaly ratehr obvious. it’ll coem to you. In a few billion years. MAybe.I’m outta here (Oct1).

Or sooner…

Have a ncie day.

You’re probably the single least intelligent loser I’ve ever encountered on the ‘net. Kinda makes ya proud, huh?

–Gremlin

So: Yutz is an idiot. We know that. Which leaves one of two questions. A) why wait until now to mention him in a News of the Stoopid or B) why mention him at all.
Simple. As long as Yutz is under the false assumption that he’s the only visitor to gremlin.net with a brain [including me, evidently] he’ll continue to post his idiotic responses to rational posts. And that’s weird, since he’s got his own message board at his website. That no one ever posts to his board comes as no surprise; we don’t really want to interact with him at gremlin.net either. We’re sure as hell not going to go over to his board, where he actually has a marginal degree of control–if very little intelligence.
See, there’s a very good reason that the internet is considered a breeding ground of misinformation. Idiots–like Yutz here–will post whatever sounds good [phonetically, anyway] to them on message boards, guestbooks, newsgroups, and anywhere else a large number of people will run across the mindless drek of the mentally ill and, in most cases, discount it as undeveloped ramblings from the shallow end of the gene pool. Or, in select cases, from one of the smaller moons of a given planet in a neighbouring starsystem. Or something. If there’s a method to Yutz’s mindlessness, it hasn’t been described yet.
With a few exceptions.
One thing we know abut Yutz is that he’d rather not live in our world. And that’s fine; we’d rather he didn’t live here too. But he expects our world to cater to his–wherever that is. Hit the message boards; read though his replies; try to figure him out. This is a guy who found out I had a novel coming out, and instantly assumed that I’d want to pitch his undisclosed ideas to the publisher, so he could be published too. I’m plagued by nightmares of Ridley Walker II: The Misspelled Story without a Point. This is not someone I’d ever admit to knowing at a professional level.
Oops.
But anyway: that’s the sad, unfortunate story of Yutz the Raptor: lonely, persecuted alien sent to Earth to beleaguer those who can read and write, argue with those who understand reality, and boldly suck like no dromaeosaur has sucked before.
Of course, that’s just my opinion; and even Seinfeld wouldn’t try to sue me over that.

–Gremlin

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