News of the Stoopid

The Logical Man is Not a Man of God

DENVER, COLORADO [NotS]

I knew it would come to this. And now it has.
Is anyone else tired of these idiots bothering the rest of us with convoluted and ever-changing stories of gods and devils and creations? I ask for a reason.
See, I’ve got this friend, Hunter. And she has a site up at GeoCities [though this is not a News of the Stoopid about GeoCities; it could be worse--it could be members.aol.com]. The site has a guestbook; and though there’s something goofy about the guestbook that won’t allow anyone on an Amiga [though this is not a News of the Stoopid about GeoCities] to post anything, leaving only this recourse to get involved at all, the guestbook is still interesting to look at. Partly because an idiot recently found the thing, and spammed all this god-is-great glert all over it.
Yeah, I’d call it spamming; who wouldn’t? It’s an advert for God, Ghost, & Son, Inc, after all.
Anyway….
This guy broke into her guestbook and made this huge deal about how dumb it was of her to have a higher opinion of Jurassic Park than Titanic. Great. Whatever. But it got worse: this big thing about deinosaurs being killed by god showed up–mostly to prove a point about how none of us should like deinosaurs anymore. And that bothered me a lot.
See, once upon a time, there was this guy named Darwin. He proposed that there was a logic to evolution and that it wasn’t simply the whims of some unseen being creating lifeforms on Earth. And he was ridiculed for purporting that anything, deinosaurs for instance [which weren't known at the time] could ever go extinct, since no god would ever create anything unfit to survive, and certainly wouldn’t kill it off again. An illogical argument, but it existed. For a little while.
Then, a couple of years later, Owen described the orders Saurischia and Ornithischia of the class Archosauria. On a side note, the term Deinosaur [which also goes for Dinosaur] was an unofficial moniker for the collective Saurischia and Ornithischia. Not all Archosaurs had gone extinct–the crocodilians had survived. It’s that simple.
Suddenly, deinosaurs were viable, yet extinct, organisms. Darwin was vindicated in his theory that life might go extinct from time to time.
These days, no one really believes in a god who creates only animals fit to survive. These days, they believe in a god who creates whatever he likes and destroys it once he’s become sick of it. These days, people believe that jogging is healthy. These days, people are dumber than they were a hundred and fifty years ago.
Stoopid, over at Hunter’s guestbook, tried to remind us all that god had killed the deinosaurs because they were unfit to survive. How terribly Darwinian. Too bad Smedley here forgot whose side he was supposed to be on.
I’m just tired of it all. I’m tired of these idiots preaching and pontificating about how groovy their gods are, yet changing their stories every time someone calls their bluffs. How many armageddons are supposed to happen; and why haven’t they, even though they’ve been predicting them for centuries? Are we still waiting for the year AD2000? Great; it was a good year. You know it as 1996. Why? Because the calendars got screwed up centuries ago. Last year was, technically, the first year of the third millennium, 2001. I don’t seem to remember the world ending.
So what do we know…we know that no religion practised on Earth [or anywhere else, for that matter] advocates intelligence at all. Well, that’s not true. Satanism tends to allow for it. It has to; satanists are the only ones who know what satanism means. In case you’re wondering, satanism and devil-worship are entirely different things. The idea that satanists worship the devil was created by the same idiots who predicted that the world will end in AD2000, two years ago.
So: particularly religious people are, by definition, stoopid. That is, they fear and excommunicate intelligent people. Let’s move on.
There are alternatives, I suppose. Not all of them are any better than this christian fallacy; but none of them seem to be much worse.
There’s the whole paganistic Druid/Wiccan gig. I can’t deal with them because most of them are these sophistic little lemmings who are more concerned with negative attention than actually giving a damn about their gods. Typically, modern-day Wiccans, especially, use the religion as an excuse to carry about their pathetic little Gil Hibbens into which they’ve focused something that none of the rest of us could care less about.
There’s devil-worship, which is really just veiled paganism–more losers playing with matches. Who cares.
There’s actual satanism, which I’m not really opposed to. I’ve got satanist friends [get some; talk to them; learn the difference] who make a lot of sense to me. See, satanism has nothing to to with satan. While a christian believes in god, just as a kid believes in Santa Claus, a satanist believes in the ideals of satan, just as an adult believes in the ideals of Santa. Santa gives presents to people at Xmas. Good. Great idea. I like it a lot. Satan was abolished from heaven for having a brain. That’s how the story goes, anyway. And he lived here on Earth without the support of god. And that’s admirable enough, I think. Granted, it’s a disturbingly [if ironically] republican logic–xenophobic refusal to accept handouts–but I can appreciate the vindiction.
Let’s not overlook agnostics. No, on second thought, let’s go ahead and overlook them. Sure, they appear to be Diet Atheists on the surface; but really, they’re just more christians who are too confused to pick a version of the christian philosophy. Agnostics are the religious apotheosis of the District of Columbia: definitely a part of America, yet not actually a state. Who’s got the time.
Then there are the actual atheists. That includes me. Why? I dunno; I’m not very smart. I can’t quite grok the idea of believing in something I can’t measure. I can measure the cladistics behind the animal kingdom. I can measure the percentages and timelines of extinctions. I can measure the differences in species. I can’t measure some paradoxical deity who is at once megalomaniacal and timid. Who cares if god can create a mountain so large that he can’t lift it–that’s a linear logic applied to a nonlinear concept. What I’d like to know is whether god can get any more arrogant without coming out of hiding to tell us all how cool he is.
Which reminds me:
Someone out there–another paradox, like a christian with the brains to come up with the question–will probably dictate that the world hasn’t ended yet because they foresaw that the calendar would be offset by four years. Let’s assume that, against all logic [since they also would have foreseen the discovery of deinosaurs, and made sure to explain them beforehand]. If that’s the case, then we’ve got just over two years until god does show up in AD2000 Part Two, the final year of the Twentieth Century [there may be a News of the Stoopid regarding that--the assertion of idiots that AD2000 is/was the first year of Millennium Three].
My question is: so what. When has it ever mattered what was predicted by christians? They’re constantly lying about these things. The world will end; the sky is falling; reach deep into your pockets and help us fight the good fight against the devil-worshipping satanists. How are these idiots not in contempt of the highest court at this point? Oh yeah: there isn’t one.
Y’know, I could almost go off on a rant here, but I don’t have to; someone already has.
The following are the lyrics from XTC’s Dear God, which compress most of what I’d have ranted about into a few lines:

Dear God, hope you got the letter and….
I pray you can make it better down here
I don’t mean a big reduction in the price of beer
But all the people that you made in your image
See them starving on their feet
‘Cause the don’t get enough to eat from
God,
I can’t believe in you.

–XTC [Skylarking 1986]

That’s just my opinion; may lightning strike.

–Gremlin

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